Rod Burkert

How to Give Advice Without Being a Condescending Asshole In the internet age, everyone and their dog is an expert on something. Everyone is always busy dispensing advice to their partner, their friend, their employee, their family, their doorman. But the line between giving good advice and being a condescending asshole is thin. So to stop you crossing over, here are six basic principles to follow. 1) Make sure the person actually wants advice. No type of advice is worse than unsolicited advice. No one is more likely to be ignored than a nosy know-it-all. Make sure the person you’re trying to help is actually looking for help. 2) Make sure you actually know what you’re talking about. The second biggest sin of advice-giving is giving someone advice when you don’t have the proper experience yourself. The person you’re trying to help may not notice, but I guarantee you people who do have the experience will notice. And whether they say anything or not, you will lose credibility. As the old adage goes: “He who thinks he knows everything, learns nothing.” 3) Meet them where they are, not where you are. It’s difficult for many of us to step outside of ourselves and to imagine the place others may be stuck in. Many of us have the tendency to project our own issues and successes onto others even when it’s not warranted. Giving advice based on your life situation and not theirs is ineffective at best and embarrassing at worst. 4) Psychoanalysis is not advice, it’s condescending. This seems to be the most common error on self-development and dating forums. The worst part about this is that you may even be right, but you’re still not helping anybody. The quickest way to piss someone off and shut you out is to try and tell them who they are, why they’re having the thoughts they’re having, why they’re making the mistakes they’re making and so on. 5) Criticize their actions, not their character. Or as it’s more commonly known: love the sinner, hate the sin. It’s important to differentiate the actions of a person from their intentions. You’d be amazed how often people do stupid things with really noble intentions. Anyone who’s grown up with overly critical parents knows the sting of someone judging your character based on one tiny mistake you made. 6) People do not owe you anything. Just because you take the time to give someone advice does not mean they’re obligated to use it, and it does not mean that they owe you any gratitude or anything in return. Too many times do I see someone who has given advice get upset that the other person didn’t use it. They have no responsibility to use it. It’s their life. It’s their path. If what you say resonates with them, they will try it out. If not, then they owe you nothing. Advice is a gift. And as a gift, it is given unconditionally, with nothing expected in return. And with that, you can take my advice and use it, or you may disregard it. Whichever you choose.

Who you choose to spend time with likely has a greater long-term impact on your health, wealth and happiness than almost any other decision you make. Yet, most people will put more conscious thought into the color of their smartphone case.