All my family is on the east coast. I’m on the west coast. The worst part of talking to everyone since my dad died of #Covid this morning is having to answer the question, “So what time is it out there?”

They call some Republicans RINO, so why haven’t we popularized calling Trump a PINO? #BlueWave2026 #NotMyPresident

See the Giants could play well BUT Harbaugh’s massive ego was holding players back and it was his poor coaching decisions that cost us the game. #NYGiants #BigBlue

Maybe Harbaugh needs to simplify his coaching and just teach quarterbacks to only throw to players wearing Blue. Start with colors this week then you can move to shapes next week. #Bigblue #NYGiants

Prostitutes turn over less than Jameis Winston. #NYG #BigBlue

A pack of Winston Cigarettes could throw the ball better. #NYGiants #BigBlue

Fire Harbaugh. Fire Nagy. It’s like they’re actively trying to lose. Put Skateboo in. Make better decisions. #NYGiants #BigBlue

It just cost $70 to fill up my gas tank. Thanks Andrew Jackson. #Dumbocrat

As a rapidly aging gay man, this is the only threeway in my future.

Happy Birthday #Madonna. You’re looking great!

The Starbucks barista wrote, “You are awesome” on my cup. Dude you don’t know me. Serve me a few times and then you’ll write, “You’re good in small doses.”

Just flew on Frontier Airlines. My flight was 53 minutes. The credit card pitch lasted half of that.

Big thank you to Fox News for helping me save money on Father’s Day gifts since March 2020. #Covid

My mom just called, as she does on this day every year, and said, “I’m pregnant.” Um, you’re 72 years old now. At this point of life it sounds less like an #AprilFooolsDay joke and more like Alzheimers.

When Barbie joins #MAGA

Vance looks like he hasn’t taken a shit in a week and Johnson looks like he just dropped a load in his pants while sitting there. #StateOfTheUnion #TrumpsStateOfDelusion

This year the cost of my prescription constipation pills went up 300% under Trump. It's not fair, that he can let all this shit out but I can't. #StateOfTheUnion #TrumpsStateOfDelusion

What is there less of tonight? Front teeth on those hockey players or facts? #StateOfTheUnion #TrumpsStateOfDelusion

"Drill Baby Drill" - Trump Feb 24, 2026 and many times on Epstein Island #StateOfTheUnion

It’s time for the Ravens kicker to Tyler loop around his neck. #PITvsBAL #Ravens