Ryan Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

(Mitch Hedberg voice) “I have a real on and off again relationship with shirts. It’s over, but clean yourself up and you’ll get another chance.”

Slack status: Raptured

I’d be more embarrassed that I was at a Coldplay concert tbh.

Is there a Narcan for mozzarella sticks?

I’m more of an under the influencer.

Any LA followers who need some help. DM me.

Accidentally call a crib “the baby garage” and all of sudden I can’t babysit anymore.

If a drummer boy showed up to do a drum solo for my sleeping infant as a gift, I’d kill him.

Her: “what are you thinking about?” My brain: “shirt stains are just food scars.” Me: “oh… the economy.”

If it’s not a total eclipse of the heart, I’m not interested.

Moon getting right in the way like a husband in the kitchen, and everyone all excited.

*me angrily watching my kid during the Easter egg hunt. Brain: oh look who suddenly knows how to pick shit up now.

For Sale: Baby shoes (never worn). Everything is fine, babies just outgrow stuff fast.

🍁 Can’t wait for the Fall (of mankind).

Imagine having the name John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt and some idiot in town has the same fucking name.

Not one investor interested in my movie, “John Wicks Booth.” Unbelievable.

I want to dance with somebody but I do NOT, under any circumstance, want to feel the heat with somebody. Please advise.

When the dump you left in your bathroom is so bad that you literally go to jail.

Now that I am married and a parent, I’ll catch myself doing things my dad used to do that I hated. Like cheating on my wife.