High on adderall in the middle of the moshpit. Hyper-focused I land perfect strike after perfect strike. I go untouched, bobbing and weaving through the crowd of unsuspecting. I win the concert.
I just drafted my @ESPNFantasy Baseball team. Play now! fantasy.espn.com/baseball/sh… fantasy.espn.com/baseball/sh…
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Why aren't all ice cream flavours named (x) N' Cream? Why is it only reserved for cookies? #drunkthoughts
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.@coinbase please stop freezing my orders and allow me to go over the 25k a day limit, I can afford all the doge I want. Trust me I have the paper and you need to lemme get the cha chowww ok
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"The powerhouse of the cell" It's too late, I've already shattered my Jeopardy buzzer into a thousand pieces
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"That joke kills in other circles" is the key phrase to drop every time no one laughs at your joke. I've had plenty of chances to workshop this
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New way to get chicks:
- Sneeze directly in face
- "Sorry I'm allergic to pretty girls"
PUAs get at me
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Yeah I might slice my skin every time I shave, but you know who else makes tiny cuts all the time? Surgeons... Two peas in a pod I am also a surgeon
Found out I'm getting 5 teeth removed soon... There's gonna be so much extra room to fit more sweets in my mouth! Can't wait😋😩
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I spilled coffee all over my GREY sweatered belly this morning on the bus. Got to school to find I had it on backwards the whole time. So you know I'm flipping that piece around and wearing it home, hidden under the backpack. That's a real G man move #improviseadaptovercome
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