Saprix

He hates being thanked but this is my appreciation post for @IWDominate Long story inbound The biggest mistake I ever made was gambling my student loan away on blackjack when I was 18. The second biggest mistake was trying to kill myself 30 minutes afterwards. I had come to University to escape a lot of shit and in the process really became lost with my own problems. I think one of the worst things that can happen to someone is when they’ve lived their whole life spinning and suddenly they have complete calm. With no action or violence around me I felt such an intense vertigo at all times. Part of my vertigo meant I really went introspective - I began to consider the person I’d become; how far away from who I wanted to be I was. That I’d never be enough for the potential I felt that I deserved. I think because of everything that had happened to me I felt I was owed something by the universe and when it never paid out I decided I was done. I survived fortunately but it didn’t mean much - I think that when I took those steps that a lot of light within me died. I spent the next few years cutting everyone in my real life off. I became a virulently toxic person to be around - the new people I surrounded myself with became a further backdrop for me to spread the same entitlement I felt deep in my soul. Instead of being sad and depressed I was so utterly angry that everyone became currency to me. Them feeling bad for my actions was just the way of the world and I felt 0 empathy. I was numb to feeling anything. Anyone who knew me back then - even if I was never wrong to them probably knew of my capacity to be awful to those close to me. Equally there are probably those who I still owe an apology to, to this day. I had strayed so far from the light I showed as a child. The thing about this that made me feel the most guilty was that I still showed enough light to make people stay. To convince them I was worth saving. But so many people burned trying to touch me. My only saving grace came at the hands of @JamadaLoL, he was the only one who convinced me I had an option to do something with my life. I had lived out the first few years of being 20 as a chronically online freak that was so obsessed with portraying that he was the man. That I was some sort of Casanova ladies man socialite but ultimately it was from a place of deep insecurity. It’s not as if this was solved overnight but it’s because of him I took my first opportunities and tried to rectify shit with my parents/friends. I got therapy, I got medicated. I tried to improve. Flash forward to MSI this year. I got my first chance to prove something. The adoration I felt from my initial interviews. Getting recognised in front of one of my IRLs. Hearing my own father be proud of me for the first time in years. I felt like my soul was weeping. When I saw so many people who I respected feel as if I was doing something right. Hearing @YamatoMebdi say that I had “character” and that I was “charismatic”. Part of me thought I’d died all those years ago and that I was dreaming this all. But it was really Dom who let me spread my wings this worlds. He helped me from a place of such immense kindness. He saw potential in me in a way that demanded no explanation. I didn’t feel like I had to fight to get what I had always felt like I was owed. I was no longer owed anything Dom just gave it to me with no questions asked. I can’t even describe the feeling when I told Dom how much I needed to go to Korea and he almost immediately sent it. I spent a lot of Korea immensely anxious. Anxious that I wasn’t doing enough to live up to the massive expectations that I felt I owed. I voiced this to Dom and all he had to say was “A Rising Tide Raises All Ships” in those words he explained to me that he was doing this because I was enough. That’s what gave me the confidence to finish so strongly. Thank you Dom. I don’t feel like I’m owed anything anymore. I want to make my own destiny.