Scott Adams

This is a tree in my side yard. I always wondered how to tell if a tree is a boy or a girl.

Last night I was abducted by aliens and replaced with a lookalike that can't keep a secret.

I cross-bred a dog with a boneless chicken. I don't know what it is but it has no trouble licking its balls.

I heard that ISIS just invaded Cupertino and conquered Apple. That wouldn't have happened when Jobs was there.

I can't tell if I have continuous déjà vu or a bad memory. I know I have seen this house before. Wait, that's my dog, never mind.

This is a Kickstarter product I would use several times a week. I hope it works. kck.st/1w3hZF1

The best way to stay calm during a tense conference call is by masturbating. But no one ever mentions the second-best way.

I had heard that nature abhors a vacuum but I didn't believe it until I saw how dirty the forest is.

I went to a time management seminar and learned how to bend space-time. Now I finish stuff before I start. Totally worth the money.

@garnetseminole Just me and my cat.

The two most important questions in the world: 1) What have you already tried? 2) How did it work out? #success

Humans are rapidly becoming uncompetitive with masturbation.

If ISIS decides to get into legitimate businesses I'm thinking barber shops.

I like healthy potatoes therefore I yam.

I email myself reminders. Then I don't look at them because email from me seems unimportant. That is my system.

Today I had the feeling I wasn't watching enough television and I was somehow getting behind. What the hell is that?

Every time the weather is perfect I wonder if it would have been a crappy day without all the climate change. #climatechange

Starting to block out a Dilbert feature film script.

Today I learned it is better to shake the can BEFORE opening it.

"We have been happily married for 30 years because he is tall," said no wife ever.