Straight Bat Comms

There's been a lot of chit chat about what makes the perfect bacon butty. So, please allow me to set you straight. You need freshly baked white bread, with a crispy crust. You should be able to smell it....there... beautiful...doesn't that make you want to eat it? If you have a bread machine, use it. Hand cut some doorsteps. Get some decent bacon. Personally, I like oak smoked streaky, or smoked back. But you can get dry cure from a butcher, which tastes perfectly acceptable, and won't give you that horrible white foam when you cook it. If streaky, crisp it up a bit in the pan. But don't cremate it. Butter your bread. "Spread" should not an option. Try to have the bread warm enough to melt the butter. *Don't* toast it. This is sacrilege. If you want that, go to a coffee shop order a toasted pastrami on rye and a skinny white and pretend you're in an episode of Friends. Be generous, layer your sandwich with strips of streaky, or thin cut back. There's nothing more disappointing than a half filled butty. Do *not* add anything, especially 'garnish' (If you do, go straight to butty jail. Do not pass go) and mashed avocado, especially, is risking a very long spell in a dark, damp rat infested oubliette. I know, I've done it and been there. Though in fairness I did put chilli sprinkles on it. Sauce is optional, but again you only really have two choices: Brown or red. Anything fancy, like sun dried fig chutney and the butty police will cart you off to do some porridge. The *only* acceptable beverage is a huge steaming mug of strong English Breakfast #Tea. Preferably from a pot, and even better, loose leaf. Avoid fruit flavoured, camomile, nettle or dandelion nonsense. All of these will taint the taste of your sarnie. And finally, #American cousins. We love you dearly. But if you ask for maple syrup on a #baconbutty, it could well cause a serious international incident.