Second Fall has officially arrived between Summer 2 and Summer 3. 🍂 Thermostat is switched to 'Heat', and the air vents are actively dispensing that sweet, terrifying perfume of toasted hair and roasted dust mites... It’s a 50/50 toss-up whether we’re heating the living room or about to burn the place down. Sleep tight, Florida. 🦺💨🛌

A real service dog has thousands of hours of specialized training. It ignores distractions, stays locked on its handler, and does a job. It doesn't beg for french fries, jump on the waitstaff, or leave a puddle of piss under a table.😮‍💨 Buying a $15 counterfeit vest off Amazon doesn't make your dog a service animal. It makes you an entitled clown who thinks basic public health codes don't apply to you. Real people with real medical conditions rely on legitimate service animals to navigate the world safely, and every time some narcissist drags an untrained pet into a dining room for validation, they put actual working dogs and their handlers at risk. Florida Statute 413.08 makes misrepresenting a service animal a crime. This man-bag carrying bearded simp is risking a misdemeanor record, fines, and community service just because he can't survive forty-five minutes without dragging an animal that licks its own asshole to a restaurant... Leave your pet at home where it belongs, log back into your OnlyFans premium subscription, and stay away from anywhere that emotionally secure humans gather. 🐕🖕👍 (For the waterhead trolls: This place is NOT pet-friendly)

Heading to bed, but there’s a palmetto bug that just ran at mach Jesus on the ceiling with that "I know how to fly and you're not going to like where I land" look in his eyes. Ceiling fan is on high, broom is by the bed, and sleep is completely off the table until he re-emerges to enjoy his trip to hell sponsored by me. Night, Florida. 🪳💥🧹👀

Goodnight, Florida. 🐊 Frostbacks spent the day complaining about the heat, the bugs, the traffic, and the governor while wearing a Patriots jersey in October. Your team plays up north. So does your actual life. You still panic at a thunderstorm and you’ll be gone by April anyway. Sleep tight and start booking that flight home. ✈️ The real Floridians have work in the morning. 🌴

Connecticunts love telling me, “Honey, Connecticut isn’t even that bad. You really need to give it a chance, spend a few weeks, check out the fall foliage, see the coast!” 😮‍💨 Listen to me very carefully: I would rather willingly subject myself to a biblical plague before I voluntarily book a flight to that tax-infested speed trap. In fact, here is my top 10 list of things I would genuinely rather do than set foot in that Liberal Un-Constitutional State: 1. Sit through a 4-hour mandatory sensitivity seminar hosted by AOC, where she uses an interactive whiteboard to explain to me why misgendering a trans-Charizard in Pokémon GO is an act of social violence. 2. French-kiss a live 220-volt industrial dryer outlet while standing barefoot in a flooded mud pit during a Category 5 thunderstorm. 3. Hand-wash the day-four skid marks out of Whoopi Goldberg’s unwashed granny panties using lukewarm ditch water and my own dry toothbrush. 4. Let Joy Behar give me a three-hour deep-tissue shoulder massage using room-temperature mayonnaise while whispering MSNBC talking points directly into my ear. 5. Sit front-row at an all-acoustic poetry slam while Kamala Harris on helium explain what can be, unburdened by what has been, for nine straight hours. 6. Chew a live 9-volt battery into fine metallic shavings, ball it up in a gas station paper towel, and smoke it through Hunter Biden's used crack pipe. 7. Spend an entire afternoon handcuffed to Adam Schiff in the back of a 1989 Geo Metro with the heat on full blast, listening to him break down the geopolitical nuances of vegan soy milk. 8. Spend one full night locked inside a porta-potty with a live raccoon while the complete Mueller report plays on loop through a single speaker duct-taped to the ceiling. 9. Get a full-body cavity search performed by a panel of gender-studies graduate students using only bare hands and a single Maglite while they pause to discuss the colonial implications of your flinching. 10. Get a full-body cavity search performed by a panel of gender-studies graduate students using only bare hands and a single Maglite while they pause to discuss the colonial implications of my flinching. So no, Brenduh, I will not be "checking out Hartford for a few weeks." I’m staying right here. 👍

Staff reminder on animals in restaurants. ⚠️ You can only ask two questions: Is this a service animal required because of a disability? What work or task has it been trained to perform? If they say emotional support or just for comfort, it is not a service animal. Tell them it has to go. If the dog is barking, jumping, lunging, begging, or ignoring the handler, that is not controlled behavior. Walk over and ask if they need an ambulance because their dog is alerting. Do it a couple of times (After all you're really just concerned about their safety 😉). Most will get the point and leave. If they keep saying no, tell them the dog is having a bad day and they should come back when it is under control. Offer to serve them without the animal. Note the behavior in case it becomes an issue. Florida still treats fake service animals as a misdemeanor. Stay calm and keep it short. These people are unhinged idiots, but being a controlled smartass can win the war. 👍🏻

Silly Yankee's misspelled the word 'Moron'...🤦🏻

I only come to @TwinPeaksLodge for the food, full stop! That is the only reason. The waitstaff is an absolute eyesore. Just grotesque, picture-perfect models strutting around in weaponized flannel. 🤮 I just want a cold beer after a long day at work. Nothing more. It has zero to do with the women bringing it over, who are so aggressively attractive it feels like a targeted visual assault. Full transparency, all I really do is stare straight into my coaster. 🙄 I also come strictly for the games on TV. It is pure suffering having to sit there and endure those absolute smokeshows in tight outfits the entire time. Completely unbearable... Straight Florida would never willingly walk into a lodge steeped in pure hetero bliss. That would be ridiculous. I am purely a victim here. 😂

Being accepting of those that promote their sinful lives is not what we were taught. Evil must be exposed and destroyed! Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11 ✝️

Here we have a local-raised idiot who thinks she’s bonding with a dinosaur. 😮‍💨 She’s out there every day tossing food at a death log like they’re sharing a special moment, completely oblivious to the fact that she’s just training it to reduce her family size in the very near future. Three kids as of right now. That trained dinosaur is already naming them days of the week like daily dining specials. Monday’s the loud one. Wednesday’s the one that wanders too close to the water. Friday’s the one that still believes Mom when she says the swamp puppy is gentle. What pains me the most is she should know better. She’s not a tourist who just got off the plane and thinks gators are oversized labradoodles. She’s from here. She grew up with the warning signs, the missing dogs, and the occasional news story about somebody who thought they had a pet. Still out there teaching an apex predator that humans equal free food while her kids are clueless to the fact they are slowly becoming menu items... One of these days that dinosaur is going to decide the specials look better than the scraps. And she’ll be the one crying on camera about how it came out of nowhere. 🤤🐊🍗🚫 Video courtesy of @1111FishManly

Back in my day, my old man handed down the dating holy trinity. These were the questions that you had to ask a woman you were interested in: are you single, are you a person of faith, and do you actually like your parents? 👴💍❤️ Now, I’ve got to teach my son that the basic three just don't cut it anymore. Not only do you have to cover the essentials, but now you have to ask if she has or has ever had a penis, dyed her hair blue and why and for how long, and how many SSRIs she’s on. Man, the world’s gotten crazy... I wish we could hop in a time machine and head on back to the '90s when things were normal. ⏳🎸🌀