boo-boo-ɾɑҍҍíԵ

Teacher: Can you use the word 'hotelier' in a sentence. Kid: The Marriott is more hotelier than an AirBnB. Teacher:

No. I can't accept that. [me, about criticism. Not gifts]

Smart, funny, beautiful. And other adjectives irrelevant to you.

Swashbuckling? No. My swash is quite rigid.

Me: That's an excrement idea. Them: You mean excellent? Me:

I've designed a new font called 'Japanese Hi-fi'. It's a racial stereo-type.

Me: I wish there were clones of you. Them: So you could enjoy more of me ❤️ Me: No, so the combined output would match a single person. Them:

Turns out, in America, "junior high" isn't a twelve year old smoking weed.

"In the event of an emergency, remove the life jacket from the pouch and place it over your head".

Well I surely do believe, you're as thick as your thighs.

Child: Mummy, I made you something. Mummy: Is it fat, moody and without a meaningful life beyond you? Child: It's a picture of a tree... Mummy: It's both.

*Question If an attractive older woman sits for too long in warm damp conditions... does she risk milfdew?

Me: Doctor, will I ever grace the cover of a glossy magazine again after the procedure? Doctor: Coroners' Monthly? Me: GET ME ANOTHER FUCKING DOCTOR - NOW!!!!

You know when somebody says "There are only 3 important things" - then say the same word 3 times? I hate that. It's dumb, dumb, dumb.

If you were any more glamorous, you'd be a pair of Crocs.

"Can't we just be adults for a minute?", I implored whilst hiding in the ball pit.

It was love at first slight.

You call it love. I call it familiar crotch rubbing.

Pastor: And God revealed himself to me. Me: Sounds like an HR issue to me. Pastor:

I don't believe there is sufficient evidence for the existence of facts. I'm factnostic.