We touch your tra-la-la.

when @JonHusted's scanner pics show up...

It's kind of reassuring to know that whatever happens in the midterms we're gonna be there the next day all up in your naughty bits. We're America's stability.

PUBLIC STRIP SEARCHES -- LIVESTREAMED ON OUR ONLYFANS PAGE.

UPDATE: @DineshDSouza banned from TSA after attempting to lift other people's children in what he called "an impressive display of masculinity."

Banning flights from Russia would solve just so many problems rn.

No fatties. No flat fannies. No stinkos. No prudes. No gimps. No safe words — JUST FREAKS DTF AT TSA.

TRAVEL ADVISORY: All communists will be subjected to additional freedom pats EXCEPT those coming from 'good' communists places like North Korea and Russia. So uh...just self-declare cause none of this makes any fucking sense.

We applaud @SenEricSchmitt for the same investigative rigor we apply to the "Whose dildo is this?" question. Senator Schmitty, you will always have a job with us.

TSA TV is also non-stop assholes.

We are proud to announce that, effective immediately, we are banning FART MACHINE @REALALEXJONES due to incredible ass stench at security. Thank you for your attention to this matter! Agent SMITH c/o TSA.

So yeah... We still have a hard "don't molest the animals" rule at TSA. 👀

President Trump secretly stole a TSA uniform and personally stopped the 20th hijacker on 9/11.

Folks this is honestly the best part of post 9/11 air travel. Regular folks will absolutely band together to fuck you up for anti-social behavior in the flying tin cans.

BREAKING: TSA ASSISTS IN THE APPREHENSION OF NOTORIOUS FUGITIVE @NERO, WHO WAS CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A STRAIGHT MAN.

Look if renaming things didn't work we wouldn't have called them Freedom Pats.

BREAKING: WHITE HOUSE ORDERS TSA TO SARCASTICALLY REFER TO ALL CANADIAN TRAVELERS AS 'BUDDY.'

Proof that if we hotbox a catering truck, it's for national security.

BREAKING: TSA announces partnership with @Flock_Safety.

TRAVEL REMINDER: Your rectum is not considered a carry-on item no matter how well it's packed.