Parliament has condemned a coordinated misinformation campaign in which Kenyans have been circulating damaging claims lifted word for word from legislation Parliament itself drafted. The crisis erupted after citizens discovered Clause 22 of the Elections (Amendment) Bill and, without consulting a single MP, recklessly proceeded to understand it. “People are weaponizing our own words against us,” complained one legislator. “This is precisely why ordinary citizens should not be allowed to handle legislation without supervision.” The National Assembly later clarified that it had deleted the controversial clause, meaning Kenyans who had read it before deletion were now guilty of spreading misinformation. MPs have urged Kenyans to stop treating government documents as credible sources, warning that such materials frequently contain statements Parliament would rather not be associated with. Parliament has nevertheless reaffirmed its commitment to transparency, provided Kenyans stop using it to find things out. #ElectionsLivestreamingFACTS

The Kenya Meteorological Department is facing a credibility crisis after a section of Kenyans discovered Windy and Zoom Earth and began independently reviewing its forecasts. The dispute intensified after the department linked delayed October rains to Tropical Storm Agueda, triggering a nationwide peer review by citizens who had spent the week watching coloured patches move across the Indian Ocean. “Have they even checked the satellite layer?” demanded one atmospheric scientist, whose meteorological career began on Thursday. The department's decades of professional experience have done little to reassure the scientific community, which now demands that all official forecasts be independently verified against their findings. Kenya Met has since been given until the end of the month to explain why taxpayers are funding an entire department to contradict two free websites.

Kenyans' hunt for the mysterious buyer of a quarter of Kenya Pipeline Company ended prematurely Wednesday after Aliko Dangote removed his own mask at a conference in London. The billionaire reportedly grew tired of waiting for four meddling Kenyans and a dog to arrive. His announcement deprived the nation of the chance to dramatically yank off his mask and exclaim, “Old Man Dangote!” Government officials were reportedly disappointed, having spent days maintaining the suspense despite the extremely limited number of African billionaires shopping for oil infrastructure. The gang has since turned its attention to the pension funds that sold the shares, having discovered that identifying the buyer was the easiest part of the mystery. Twitter DCI is now following a trail of share certificates to the pension funds, where someone has reportedly switched off the lights again.

Public concern for Bien's emotional wellbeing has plummeted following the release of I'll Be Okay, after viewers discovered that the music video contained a woman of considerable national interest. Fans who initially urged the singer to seek peace have since asked him to stop making the situation about himself. “I came here to support a brother,” said one viewer, replaying the same 12 seconds for the 38th time. “But we must establish all the facts.” The crisis deepened Wednesday when Bien released an official lyric video, revealing that the song contains actual words and may have been attempting to communicate something. Bien continues to assure the public he'll be okay, although nobody has checked on him since.

Kenyans on X have demanded exclusive rights to call Nairobi a shithole after American news anchor Rob Finnerty described the city unfavourably without producing proof of Kenyan citizenship. The remarks drew fury from residents who have spent years publicly documenting Nairobi’s failures, only to discover their findings were being cited by an unauthorised foreign national. “We’re not disputing his assessment”, said one commuter, stepping over a hawker’s mtumba pile blocking the pavement. “We’re disputing his clearance.” A KoX committee formed to address the breach clarified that Nairobi may be described as a failed city domestically but must be recognized as a thriving global capital whenever criticism originates abroad. Finnerty’s televised apology has been accepted, although the committee is considering watermarking future complaints “For Kenyan Use Only.” Residents have since resumed insulting Nairobi, relieved to have restored the city’s international reputation.

Thousands of Kenyans on X have developed an unexpected interest in public-health data after discovering that HIV statistics make excellent ammunition against South Africans. Within hours, Kenyan timelines resembled a badly supervised epidemiology seminar, with users who had never typed “UNAIDS” before Sunday suddenly arguing about prevalence rates and correcting strangers on denominators. One man reportedly dismissed a statistic for being from 2024, having acquired standards on data freshness approximately nine minutes earlier. Another opened a health report looking for one damaging percentage and accidentally learned what an uncertainty interval was, briefly delaying his insult. Public-health experts initially welcomed the surge in interest before opening the quote tweets and quietly returning to work. By Wednesday, users had established that methodology remained extremely important, particularly when it yielded a larger number for South Africa, while contradictory datasets were subjected to the rigorous scientific process of being ignored.

A local firm has activated customer service for its annual one-week trial, rolling out a series of activities designed to demonstrate its commitment to customers...until Friday. The program began Monday after management circulated a memo declaring customers “the reason we do what we do”, surprising several departments that had previously understood them to be a Sales issue. The declaration sparked an internal review of several company processes after staff discovered some had been designed on the assumption that customers enjoy following up. Early results have been encouraging, with one client briefly suspecting they had contacted the wrong company after receiving a reply on the same day. Staff have also been issued branded shirts reminding them to “go the extra mile”, although management clarified that the requirement expires Friday. The initiative ends Friday, after which all lessons learnt will be carefully documented and stored for activation during next year’s Customer Service Week. #CustomerServiceWeek #CSWeek2026

A Kenyan government delegation attending UNGA in New York has reportedly spent much of the week trying to establish why nobody is discussing the price of unga. Officials arrived expecting detailed presentations on maize flour affordability and were immediately unsettled to find world leaders instead talking about wars and global security. By the second day, concern had grown after the programme still showed no sessions on fertiliser subsidies, millers or the price of a 2kg packet, forcing organisers to explain that UNGA stands for UN General Assembly. A spokesperson rejected the explanation as unlikely, noting that no country would spend this much money flying people to New York for something completely unrelated to unga. The delegation has vowed to remain in New York awaiting the main session, convinced organizers are simply taking unusually long to announce the price. A Kenyan government delegation attending UNGA in New York has reportedly spent much of the week trying to establish why nobody is discussing the price of unga. Officials arrived expecting detailed presentations on maize flour affordability and were immediately unsettled to find world leaders instead talking about wars and global security. By the second day, concern had grown after the programme still showed no sessions on fertiliser subsidies, millers or the price of a 2kg packet, forcing organisers to explain that UNGA stands for UN General Assembly. A spokesperson rejected the explanation as unlikely, noting that no country would spend this much money flying people to New York for something completely unrelated to unga. The delegation has vowed to remain in New York awaiting the main session, convinced organizers are simply taking unusually long to announce the price.

Kenya has been given several weeks’ advance warning of a strengthening El Niño, providing authorities with ample time to ensure everyone is properly shocked when it eventually rains. The forecast has already triggered the usual preparations, with agencies reviewing flood maps and conducting urgent inspections of drainage systems that will remain exactly where they are until they disappear under brown water. Once the rains begin, officials are expected to describe the flooding as unprecedented and announce investigations into how water managed to enter areas repeatedly identified as flood-prone. Nairobi residents and workers have been advised to remain alert and avoid flood-prone areas, particularly those currently operating as roads. Kenya Met has meanwhile been urged to stop ruining the surprise.

Rhythm & Vybz organizers have begun reviewing Cassidy’s entire discography after discovering that important information regarding their Nairobi booking may have been disclosed in song form as early as 2005. The audit follows Cassidy’s failure to appear for Saturday’s concert, forcing organisers to revisit I’m a Hustla as less of a hit single and more of a 21-year-old declaration of business practice. While the event organisers say they had met their financial and booking obligations, the incident has raised questions over their due diligence, having apparently overlooked the possibility that a chorus from 2005 might constitute legally binding disclosure. Legal teams are expected to examine the rest of Cassidy’s catalogue for any further contractual surprises hiding in plain sight under sick beats.

Linda Mwananchi’s political tour of Homa Bay has been reclassified as a full Odyssey after Edwin Sifuna and his delegation encountered enough hostile forces to qualify for mythology. The ordeal began at Ndhiwa, where the expedition encountered roadblocks and Laestrygonian goons, who welcomed the convoy in the traditional manner by hurling stones. Forced off its intended path, the convoy wandered into the realm of Dustina, Goddess of Unpaved Roads, who, enraged at having her domain exposed to the wider public, descended in a vast brown cloud and coated the brigade as punishment for bearing witness. Still denied passage by land, the expedition turned to Poseidon, who granted Sifuna safe passage across Lake Victoria toward Homa Bay, where the brigade finally completed the political business that had started the entire epic. Dustina later released a statement through the county boss, clarifying that the dust attack was justified as a historically significant experience caused by decades of marginalization.

Kenya has adopted a new economic measurement system after Treasury CS John Mbadi cited rising soft-drink consumption as evidence that citizens have more money in their pockets. Under the revised framework, economists will no longer waste valuable time studying household incomes when they can simply stand outside a kiosk and count how many people emerge holding a soda. A 300ml soda will indicate basic recovery, while anyone purchasing 500ml without first asking the price may be classified as upper middle class. The new Gulp Domestic Product is also expected to simplify future government briefings, with national prosperity now measurable in crates rather than complicated graphs nobody wants to defend on Citizen TV. Kenyans disputing the recovery have been advised to explain why the fridge at their nearest kiosk keeps needing restocking. #mbadinomics

CNN journalist @LarryMadowo has come under scrutiny after being spotted at Charlene Ruto’s Koito, raising concern that he may have been maintaining a private life without prior approval from the Kenyan public. The discovery unsettled viewers who had assumed Madowo remained permanently inside his editorial position, emerging only to file reports before returning to a neutral holding area free from politicians and catering. Critics questioned how a journalist known for scrutinising political power could also know people connected to it socially, warning that such behaviour risks collapsing the important distinction between “person I criticise” and “person I must therefore hate forever.” Concern intensified after Madowo appeared visibly relaxed at the ceremony, with no microphone in hand and no immediate evidence that anyone nearby was being held accountable. A section of netizens has begun reviewing which friendships are permitted outside approved ideological boundaries, with Madowo now expected to declare future social engagements before Kenyans are forced to discover he knows people they dislike. #CancelLarryMadowo

President William Ruto hosted roughly 5,000 members of the Friends Church at State House Monday for an unusually large Bible study with excellent parking and catering. The gathering allowed Ruto to sing hymns and announce development pledges, preserving the traditional spiritual balance between faith and infrastructure. Citing Matthew 25, Ruto defended affordable housing, presenting the passage on sheltering the vulnerable as biblical support for a programme financed through mandatory salary deductions. Prime Cabinet Secretary Musalia Mudavadi, a lifelong member of the Friends Church, assured the congregation that Ruto was “a friend of Friends,” encouraging them to reflect deeply on the importance of remembering who hosted lunch. Meanwhile, a brief commotion was reported at the State House gate after a duck, apparently misled by reports that the President was hosting quackers, attempted to gain entry before security redirected it to the nearest pond.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The Inter-Species Council wishes to clarify that Mr. Dennis Ombachi's roaming privileges have been revised with immediate effect. The Council's investigation has determined that the recent crocodile egg, pig, ostrich and goose disappearances are connected and involve the same suspect. Previous assumptions that Mr. Ombachi was "just looking around" have now been formally withdrawn. Member species are advised that any encounter with him should be treated as potentially terminal, particularly where cameras are visible. The Council wishes to acknowledge the late goose for displaying exceptional courage after launching one final defensive "fuck you" moments after capture, narrowly missing Mr. Ombachi's eye before ultimately being overpowered. RIP King.

Former Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua released the trailer for President William Ruto’s special national address Thursday, revealing the plot before State House could present it as a surprise. Speaking from Wamunyoro, Gachagua claimed the address would centre on Vision 2060 and could bring former President Uhuru Kenyatta into the project, leaving Kenyans to tune in mainly to confirm whether he had leaked the script. State House proceeded with the broadcast as planned, despite the country already knowing the likely storyline and debating whether the ending would now be changed. Government supporters insisted the surprise remained intact, though the nation had already heard the headline from a man who was not invited to the special address. By airtime, Ruto was no longer unveiling the future. He was confirming Gachagua’s spoilers on television.

The decision followed a third-place match that produced ten goals and enough excitement to remind viewers that football was supposed to be entertaining. instagram.com/p/DbBfkWnjCwn/

“I’ve been around for generations,” she said. “For most of that time, everyone called me stress, bad attitude or needing to exercise more.” Full story here 👉 instagram.com/p/Da-ohCcDDgn/…