obi.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Me: Dino kinda acted like a cat sometimes Wife: Dino was a dog Me: Dino was a dinosaur...

Threw up in my mouth a little when I read this headline

Me: I'm kinda an artist Friend: Maybe if you paint with a wide enough brush Me: Art is more than just paint, my dude

I've never wanted a salad more in my life

They say if you have a leach attached to you, you need to scrap it off with a credit card You really do need good credit for everything

Abbreviation is a long word

Inventor of the jackhammer: This will be groundbreaking

Wife: You never wear camo Me: Maybe I do and it's just really good

911: What's your emergency? Me: My neighbor hasn't been home in a week 911: Is that unusual? Me: He told me he can only poop at home 911: Ummmm Me: Listen! He hasn't pooped in a week! He's either dead or dying!

The length of my beard dictates how tall my hat can be

My walk of shame is carrying empty food containers to the dumpster from last night's door dash orders

I always get depressed when I see those pictures of big drug busts of all the guns, drugs and money. Drug dealers keep their stuff way more organized than I do.

I don't wanna be that guy but it was definitely Shaggy

Everyone said things like "your back will hurt and your knees will give out when you get old" but no one tells you the face is the first thing to go

(90s) Them: Where's your son? Mom: *calmly* no idea (2025) Mom: *crashing out* WHERE'S THAT APP I JUST INSTALLED!!??

Daboll is the latest millionaire to leave New York since Mamdani got elected. They tried to warn us