Crop dusting around the produce section of the grocery seems criminal.

This is important

I’ve started typing with my laptop directly on my lap for the birth control benefits.

I can’t stand to lose Tik Tok, I’m still working through the 2014 loss of Flappy Bird.

It’s a good day to have a good day

I know I look trust worthy because a stranger just asked me is she has boogers

A picture is worth a thousand words. A caption makes that 10x

I don’t wish unwanted pain on anyone. But if someone is going to eat shit in a scooter. I’d like to be there to see it.

Nothing says I’ve given up like Crocs in public.

I’m glad you don’t have a type because I’m an acquired taste.

Denver, North Carolina: you’re not deserving of that name.

My kink is pens running out of ink

Done meet your hero’s. You may look like a fool.

A dog is man’s best friend. Unless than man happens to deliver the mail.

Nothing says birthday like ordering dessert with lunch

Summer in the suburbs is the Super Bowl of dad bods. #YardWork