The Dude

The best life choice I ever made was to always take responsibility and never put the blame on others, no matter what. This decision changed my life, literally. One day, I got a huge promotion offer at work. Which I rejected respectfully, only to start my own business.

- Mom, what is a lesbian? - I'm busy, sweetie. Go ask Mom.

I didn't say you're being over dramatic. I just asked if you could turn down the violins in the background.

Me: Did you lock the front door? Her: Yes. Is that why you woke me up? Me: Sorry, but it's starting to get chilly outside.

A good relationship is when you both share the same taste in porn.

You know you're in love when you don't mind losing hours of sleep just so you have more time to spend with her.

That phase in life when you realize that's life and it's not a phase.

I don't suffer from a shortage of sleep, just an excess of being awake.

People who stare at me picking my nose in the car, you are disgusting.

Thanks to feminism, women are now strong, determined, and independent. They can pursue their preferred careers, make more money, achieve their life goals, and die alone.

I wonder if, on the last day of Burning Man, they also burn all the clichés that were sold there to everyone.

The future is always pinker on the other side.

Unlike women, men don't miss their childhood, because mentally they're still there.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked "Are you going to pick this up?" I picked it up and replied to her "I have no choice, this is my food", and I walked away.

So many fights could be avoided if women realized that men don't ignore dirt. They just don't see it.

What app do I need to remove from my iPhone so it stops receiving calls?

I just sneezed so hard that one of my lungs landed on the table, curled up, and said, "I'm staying here until you apologize."

Most people are stuck in the past because the future is unknown and the present is depressing.

The human body contains 70% water and 30% useless information.

Life is too short. Be sure you're making the right mistakes.