The Post-Plant

For those of you who only want a few sentences, here it goes: I’ve been denied opportunities to trial for co-ed VALORANT teams with a handful of talented co-ed rosters over the years for reasons that include teams not wanting to pay a buyout for me and because I was viewed as, and I quote, “too valuable of an asset to release this close to partnership selection when I’m so pivotal to my org’s application.” There was at least one situation where I was being considered but it was soon communicated back to me from a T1 team that a player was not comfortable playing with a woman. I let it rest and have not spoken about it so as not to risk being viewed as a liability to other teams. I don’t know why this has resurfaced, but I feel like I have no choice other than to share this because I see people saying this could never happen and it's impossible. I also don’t want to be unfair to a lot of individuals who have had experienced something similar and deserve validation (rather than me taking this opportunity to pretend it didn’t happen now that it’s been shared publicly, albeit without my consent). I was mortified when I woke up this morning to see my face plastered all over these articles. I’ve tried so hard to share my experiences with this process. I’ve also suggested ways that we can work with Riot and teams to improve GC players’ chances of playing on co-ed rosters. Even worse, I feel so embarrassed that pros and other peers are having to make statements to defend themselves because the masses are coming after them. I just want to play the game and grind to improve with my teammates. It’s so distracting. I didn't talk about this with anyone-- but now it feels like everyone thinks it's me making excuses for myself. Now it feels like it's my responsbility to act on this since my name was attached. But, and of course this is anecdotal and specific to my experience: the VALORANT professional community has been incredibly supportive of me and my teammates. I would NEVER be where I am today without their support. The vast majority of men in the professional community advocate for me, make themselves available for advice, defend me in toxic ranked lobbies, vouch for me to their teams/other teams for opportunities, etc. I’ve never felt this kind of support from any other esport. I appreciate you all so much; you’ve been arguably the most important allies when it comes to helping drive GC along and making me feel welcome and like I belong here. I had a bad experience I did not feel like discussing out of fear that it would take away from future opportunities, but I will say this: I don’t believe that experience is in any way indicative of the kind of professional community we have here. Yes, sexism is apparent in esports. I would not be using my platform responsibly if I attempted to deny any bad faith actors or the stories of many other women who have shared their negative experiences in VALORANT and other esports. Also, given this is a comment I see popping up everywhere today: I don’t think I “deserve” anything in VALORANT. Those who know me know I work hard each and every day. I’m thankful for my job and every opportunity I’m given through competing. Yes, I’m often heartbroken when opportunities to trial or potentially transfer to a co-ed team get scrapped for reasons outside of my control. It is my dream to play at the highest level. But there is a difference between being grateful for consideration (and thus disappointed when the chances didn’t work out) versus feeling like I inherently “deserve” to play in T1 or T2. All I can do is focus on improving as an individual and helping my teammates succeed. It was already difficult to find opportunities at the next level. Now, all I can focus on is how teams may think twice about giving me a shot in the future because of comments I never made but will forever be associated with me nonetheless. I’m sorry to those of you who had to step up and defend yourselves. And I’m also sorry to Sean and Jena for having to deal with the fallout because it was discussed on Sean’s stream. Sean, I really appreciate the original context of what you were trying to say about me in that discussion. Thanks to everyone who knew I was stressed and checked on me today or commented in support. Now I’d really like to put this behind me and focus on GC3 with my team.