@ThisPaul

you know where to find me

 Los Angeles
Joined March 2009
  • Tweets13.9K
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  • Followers2.4K
599Media
For those of you who dislike Matt Damon: One time he was at my bar completely shitfaced. He fell and split his head open and when security got to him and did their safety check they asked if he knew who he was. He said “C’mon guys it’s me Matt Damon, from We bought a Zoo.”
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Just gonna go ahead and say I never liked any of you fucks
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Also painfully obvious I’m not mad at anyone here. Just myself. Always myself.
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Before you ask in your judgmental fucking mind yes I’m going to meetings yes I’m in therapy yes I’m on antidepressants. please know that this is a person suffering who doesn’t want pleasantries or cliches. I want everyone to know how fucking hard this is.
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You fucking stupid fucking losers
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Further proof that nothing fucking matters
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One of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me is come to Los Angeles and not tell me
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Boomer Esiason expresses remorse for now former Mets relief pitcher Jorge López after learning his son is dealing with a serious health issue and awaiting a transplant.
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I’m not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that this may be the single greatest postgame press conference of all time LMAO
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10/10 reaction
Crazy Clips
@crazyclipsonly19 May 2024
Dude flexes gun on livestream and finds out
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Gold Jacket Green jacket who gives a shit
Shooter McGavin
@ShooterMcGavin15 May 2024
Hey @AdamSandler, best of luck in the sequel. You’re going to need it. There won’t be no miracle putt to save you this time. You know it, I know it, the whole world knows. I’m winning the gold jacket this time and there’s nothing you can do about it. See you on the tee box.
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I miss doing drugs because when I was doing drugs there were days I’d put on my pants to find that I’d broken into another department store to try on pants again
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Hey comics in LA particularly. After being out of the game for 4 years now I had a chance to catch a mic in Alabama lastnight. You are living their dream life. The places you all go and hang out? They’d cut their arm off to go there. Instead of sitting around bitching 1/?
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Maybe give back a bit. I’m willing to bet comedy has given you a lot more than you’re giving it credit for. Give back and see if you’re still angry or bitter or whatever bullshit negative feelings that come with being a comic. I love you.
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Real quick can someone tell me the speed limit in Alabama it seems to be 105mph please advise
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Everytime I think about leaving this place I tweet something that gets zero likes and I’m immediately hooked again. Truly no other feeling like it.
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People really never knew Conan huh
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Sometimes on my drive to work I’ll get such a good idea for a movie that I can even beat out each and every scene and after about an hour I realize I’ve just been thinking about Running Man.
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Honestly The Daily Show is too small for @roywoodjr This man clearly has his eyes on the Presidency
Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi
@roywoodjr18 Feb 2024
NBA All-star weekend should just be a series of one-on-one games featuring the players vs folks who been on the computer talking shit about them all season.
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There is no Rocky without Apollo Creed
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