Sad Spork of Destiny

This #4thofJuly send a strong message by drinking your Bud Light from the severed head of an Eastern European arms dealer.

What do you take to an above-ground pool party? How about a Kid Rock cassette & expired potato salad. #4thofJuly

So #CincoDeMayo isn’t about eating 5 jars of mayonnaise?

Trying to move stuff with my mind because #StarWarsDay So far nothing, but I'll keep you updated.

"Chefs, please open your baskets. You must make an appetizer using...An architecture textbook...kale...an iPhone 3... and the first half of the movie Uncle Buck. Time starts now!" #Choppped

"Iron Man" is a superhero. "Iron, woman" is something Bobby Flay probably yells at his girlfriend. #BeatBobbyFlay

Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spiderweb.

How about an @hgtv & @FoodNetwork crossover. The Property Brothers can make a soufflé & Alex Guarnaschelli can hang dry wall.

Ordering eggs "sunny side up" is a little to optimistic sounding. The rest of my day is not going to live up to that.

(•_•) #BeatBobbyFlay <) )╯ / \ \(•_•) with a ( (> / \ (•_•) cricket bat. <) )> / \

No matter how many times you call shotgun, the cops will still put you in the backseat. #FunFact

If you died & went to Hell, how long would it take you to realize you weren’t watching an episode of #GuysGroceryGames?

I have not, nor will I ever, eat anything that falls out of a piñata.

Somewhere Guy Fieri & Sammy Hagar are sharing a ridiculously named cocktail, comparing flip flops and being "super stoked" about deep-fried pickles.

Petition to change the name of the cat's food bowl to "future cat puke storage unit."

Never rub your eyes after dicing jalapeños. Except you Guy Fieri.

If you mix a packet of Taco Bell Fire Sauce w/Ramen Noodles, it tastes like something Guy Fieri probably feeds his kids.

"Game on, motherf*ucker!" - Guy Fieri when he sees air freshener in the bathroom.

I understand if you don't like me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

The only cooking show Guy Fieri should be allowed to host is "Cookin' Crap in the Microwave w/Guy Fieri."