@WilliamAder

I'll be here all weak.

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Joined July 2011
  • Tweets127K
  • Following1.4K
  • Followers40.2K
1.7KMedia
Found a YouTube channel that's just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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Don't take it personally if I've unfollowed you. I've probably just given up on ever having sex with you.
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Damn it! Amazon is sold out of slutty White House Press Secretary costumes.
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Anyone know how to dress for a low of 37 and a high of 84?
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy wearing Skechers.
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Lindsey Graham was gay???!!!!!!! 😱
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I haven't tweeted in a few days. I've gone "broody." I would have gone "emo," but I don't have any black nail polish.
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A bird in the hand is fucking terrifying.
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The skeletons in my closet are forming a mariachi band
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WebMD calls me at 3AM and just breathes
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Don't pet my peeves
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Just Bill retweeted
Jack Boot@IamJackBootMar 22
Tragedy: Everyone dies. Comedy: They turn off the cameras before everyone dies.
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The time my bongos caught fire. It was terrible. No one would help and the more frantically I tried to put them out the louder everyone cheered.
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Men continue to flirt with me like I’m not basically a raccoon who developed fashion sense.
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Just Bill retweeted
Jack Boot@IamJackBootOct 21
Flight attendant: In the event of a water landing... Landing? "Landing" is a pretty generous word for ending up in the Atlantic Ocean.
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“YES!” - RFK, Jr.
CNN
@CNNOct 21
An ongoing measles outbreak in Pennsylvania has quickly become the largest and deadliest in the United States in more than 30 years. cnn.it/4BqhPyj
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“Good morning!” to all the happy, clueless, people who celebrate.
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New guy saw my O face. Not even sorry. Early start plus coffee. You looked too long. That's on you.
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That time I chose "else."
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I have great taste in hypothetical men
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Katie Zacharia just delivered my Instacart order.
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