Sorry I left your party early, I just really missed my dog

Work cliches that make absolutely no sense: "Take this with MASSIVE grain of salt" 😂

Why does my dog lick my toes?

In other Monday typos, I just typed "by mad." Instead of "my bad." Woof.

How tired am I? I just typed "unpersonalized." Thank god for autocorrect. #Mondays

I just got irrationally excited about the size of my bread roll from @panerabread Would ya look at the size of this thing???? #omnomnom

#AnimalCrossing villagers have no shame in shaming you for not playing for a while. "7 WHOLE ASS MONTHS?! GLAD U AREN'T DEAD!!!"

"I'm going to die for petting something I shouldn't" will be etched on my tombstone.

I need something light to watch on @netflix after #ArmyOfTheDead or else I won't be able to fall asleep 😂 #sendhelp

Army of the Dead... @netflix #ArmyOfTheDead #ArmyOfTheDeadNetflix

Oh, to be a doggo.

One day, I watched Netflix without subtitles for the last time and I didn't even know it.

I only walked 1,100 steps today 😳

For the first time in my #adult life, I have a #Costco membership so... What's the bestest thing to buy at Costco???

Ya know sometimes I wonder what time I would wake up in the morning if I didn't have a dog jump on my chest at exactly 5:30am every day.

1,639,265 Number of minutes since the start of the pandemic that women have saved by not waiting for someone to leave the bathroom so they can poop.

Well... that's nice. Good job #Chicago!

Dear Twitterverse, I have a question for my agency friends, specifically those who do #email design & #marketing for their clients. If you're willing to lend your expertise, can you shoot me a DM or reply? So I can pick your brain? TIA! :)

So what if I'm eating Rolos at 9:18am? Mind your own business.😒