@andywattscomedy

Best table manners in the game 🐴 🤠 Comedian. 🌱

instagram.com/andywattscomedy/
Joined March 2018
  • Tweets990
  • Following811
  • Followers327
Me staring at £20,000 in cash: Man, I can't believe this is my last one of these
4
54
2
2,247
135,900
Smells can connect you in a powerful way to memories. Like recently I smelled unscented soap and it gave me amnesia.
1
105
Smells can connect you in a powerful way to memories. Like recently I smelled unscented soap and it gave me amnesia.
1
105
Hey man, you better be sat down for what I'm about to tell you. Someone robbed all the chairs in our house.
60
With me, what you see is what you get! And what you see is ambiguous, mysterious, unknowable
1
73
Little Baby Idiot retweeted
NFR Podcast
@nfr_podcast3 Feb 2025
KENDRICK LAMAR NOT LIKE US RECORD OF THE YEAR #GRAMMYS SPEECH 🚨 "Dedicate this to my city!" xitter.cf/nfr_podcast/status/188…
792
16,979
4,051
131,830
13,015,016
(Looking at the doomsday clock) Man where does the time go!
2
81
Imagine how cool the road trip would have been across Pangea
55
I don’t even remember what people did for leisure before GoApe
54
Little Baby Idiot retweeted
Dan Carney
@DanManCarney8 Jan 2025
Your honor my client would like to play on his phone for a little bit
39
2,989
46
57,122
1,587,453
taking my bits and bobs over here because of how awful this site is andywatts.bsky.social
54
Little Baby Idiot retweeted
DJ BBQ@stepheniscowboy21 Jul 2023
Hot girl: So what's your new book called Tolstoy, aware women like strong men: War Tolstoy, remembering women like sensitive men too: ... and Peace
14
2,832
52
20,042
693,268
Me trying to pee: *Thinks of water* Me trying to poo: *Think of land*
3
13
731
They say the first line of a book is the most important, but I always find the copyright page bores me senseless
1
80
Jaws is scary because they don't show the shark. Imagine if they didn't show the water either. Or even the beach. Ahhhh!!
4
69
I’m running a total apolitical bipartisan protest march. Just a ton of likeminded people picketing in the name of nothing.
1
58
why is voice cracking embarrassing man, as Leonard Cohen said, cracks are how the light gets in
1
70
If you want to end yourself in a sound bath you just have to make the noise of a toaster
76
A duck living below the breadline :(
3
86
dunce caps and graduation caps, the spectrum of intelligence represented in hats
3
10
609
Little Baby Idiot retweeted
Museum of Comedy@museumofcomedy7 Nov 2024
🏆 Leicester Square Theatre New Comedian of the Year Semi Final 3 is TOMORROW! 🎟️ loom.ly/_6QLDNk 🎟️
1
1
3
374
Load more