Can we stop screwing around and just frost the whole pop tart? We have the technology

Republicans: I wish the minorities would just get out! Democrats: …and vote

AI is so much smarter than us. Trying to put guardrails on it is like a toddler trying to take your car keys. Kid, I will punt you out of this parking lot

Of all the movies we could be living in, I wouldn’t have chosen Idiocracy and Canadian Bacon

This is why you don’t buy temu meat

me, after diving into my Bin of Fucks

One of my kids was bound to be a creative genius. The other has a bucket on her head

a subpeona

This is the view from the Washington Monument today. Instead of seeing the White House we get to see Idiocracy

give them bread and nitro circuses

One could even call it a “Gilded Age”

Therapist: hi, I’m Gryff Me: can I call you Gryffindor? Gryffindor: no Me: can I call you High Plains Gryffter? High Plains Gryffter: no Me: this isn’t a good fit

I hate that I can now spell “Hormuz” without looking it up

Taking my kids through a museum: “ready to be bored in a different room?”

My dad told me he bought a new tv. He said he didn’t have a tape measure with him to check if it would fit in his car so he used his phone. I was so proud of him for using the Measure app. When I asked him how big it was he said: “seven phones high and fifteen long”

The people at the dermatology center loved my song: 🎶one of these moles is not like the others, one of these moles does not look the same🎶

Maybe I WILL be going on vacation!

My house is such a mess (lays down on couch) and I really should clean it (fluffs up a pillow) after I close my eyes for just a second (pulls a blanket up to my chin)a

I thought my kids got raptured but it was just the pile of dirty clothes I asked them 14 times to pick up