Jonny Hawkins

I’m a gay, dyslexic, with narcolepsy, asthma, one lung and, more recently, Diarrhea . I’ll park where I want to.

You’ve been too too many parties when you refer to your uncle’s wake as “funeral kick-ons”.

IKEA is MacDonalds for seats.

New drag name: Demandy Moore, and she wants everything

Just once in my life, I’d like to go on a group holiday where single people are given the nice rooms and the couples have to sleep on the pull outs and blow up mattresses. Just once.

There should be a button you can press that reminds couples you’re eating with that their bickering doesn’t count as conversation, and that no one cares if it was 4 or 12 apples in the fruit bowl. No one cares.

All brim, no hat.

I only seem like a gay man. Really I’m a lesbian who’s sexually attracted to men.

“It’s none of ya business” is my slogan for 2024.

When someone in a group makes a joke that isn’t funny, so no one laughs, the conversation keeps moving, but they think no one heard it, so they try again, but this time round it causes a silence, and everyone involved, and I mean everyone, in that pause, prays for a swift death.

Seventh Heaven was such a weird show about horny christians keeping a lid on it.

If your Mardi Gras party isn’t 60 percent lesbian, I’m not coming.

People who take themselves seriously doing misguided things v. seriously is my favourite. Because no one wants to tell them how bad their choices are.

Gen Z girlies keep mistaking for a gay man who can talk like them. Picture my mouth agog as she steamrolled through a million internet references I could not possibly understand.

Mean Hot Gurl drag has got to go.

De La just re-released “we got 3 minutes”. It goes for 2 minutes 56 seconds. I assume they edited out an f-slur. open.spotify.com/track/7mqEh…

New drag name: Clover Moore Park.

I overheard someone dishing dirty about my DJing: how I’m not good mixer and how they can’t understand why I get so many bookings. Which would be hurtful if didnt totally agree. I don’t have imposter syndrome. I am an imposter, legit.

One of my superpowers is that I can tell within .1 of a second whether or not a guy’s into swing dance.