@awkwardenabled

This place is wild.

 Instagram
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Joined January 2012
  • Tweets63.6K
  • Following771
  • Followers9.6K
5.8KMedia
philip lewis
@Phil_Lewis_1 Oct 2025
Jimmy Fallon plans to “keep my head down” and avoid politics on “The Tonight Show”: The show has “never really been political” variety.com/2025/tv/news/jim…

Jimmy Fallon Plans to ‘Keep My Head Down’ and Avoid Politics on ‘The Tonight Show’: ‘We Hit Both...

Jimmy Fallon says he plans to "keep my head down" and avoid politics on "The Tonight Show."

variety.com
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my son said he has a hard time falling asleep because his brain keeps sending him notifications, and that’s the best description ive ever heard
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Being consequenced for calling a coworker a flibbertigibbet is unfortunately ironic as I am also a flibbertigibbet
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“Just for the sake of argument” is another way to say “hypothetically I’m an asshole”
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It’s not the heat that’ll get you, it’s the me complaining about the heat
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Melissa retweeted
brent@murrman523 Jul 2025
me seeing friend buying two hot dogs: two huh? ol double dog. the two dog kid. friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils
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You can't scare me, I've lived in Ohio AND New Jersey
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Don't fuck with me, I'll eat a well done steak just because.
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Several days ago an apple fell from the tree while my brother Dan was under it and now at least twice a day he waits for 5-15 minutes under the tree for the possibility of an apple
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A lot of men are insecure about their height but not me, I’m 5’9” and I’m okay with it. I’ve been 5’11” since high school and never had issues dating. Now days when women find out I’m 6’2” it’s not a deal breaker because they value my other qualities, not just my 6’5” stature.
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Girl I work with spilled her chipotle all over her keyboard and I says "I think you want adobe on your computer, not adobo." She didn't get it
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Melissa retweeted
Tim Walz
@Tim_Walz3 Feb 2025
Elon Musk is a terrible president.
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People get real uncomfortable when I call it the Post Orifice
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Spotify opened at work and I forgot my air pods at home and Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (1941) began to play on max volume I'd rather it have been porn they're calling me Gladys
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local bands be like “big things coming soon!!” and it’s allegations
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Girls forget real quick that Luigi has a mansion
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Twitter fires 80% of employees, hate speech is at an all time high, and stocks tank. Now, Twitter plans to remove block feature that will get the app booted from the app store. I'm no business strategist, but damn... Maybe congress will bail ol musky out again lol
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Me: "What are those things in your ears?" Friend: "They help me hear. I'm not completely deaf, though." Me: "So you have hearing HIV and not full blown hearing aids." Friend: "... what?" Me: *deep breath* "SO YOU HAVE HEARING HIV AND NOT FULL BLOWN HEARING AIDS."
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Coworker in her mid 60s neglected to silence her phone gentle reader her ringtone is WAP
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a handjob is like a granny smith apple not your first choice but you thank the lunch lady anyhow
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