Why you would want to do that to your body is beyond me. Buy some paintings!

I can confirm I've declined Mrs May's invitation to join the cabinet. I'm busy holding Surbiton's social elite together in troubled times.

Thought for the day...

The farmer's market was wonderful. Thrilled Jerry is on a golfing weekend because I don't want to share my basket of goodies #bemoremargo

Oh @andrealeadsom your attempt to infer you're a better citizen by virtue of your ovaries has been deservedly called out. #Schadenfreude 💅🏻

The Vikings are quiet. I think my earlier glare not to disrupt my evening worked.

When did football become year-round nuisance? Popped to local pub for quiet G&T; it's full of chaps with Viking hats? New Maldenites I bet.

Those photos of Theresa May's living room. I'm a big fan of the late 70s but not sure I trust someone stuck there 😬

Presiding over Surbiton's elite social groups would've helped the country's politicians. Democracy can be dangerous I've always said.

Dolly Mountshaft suggested we might rotate the Secretary role for Composer of the Month club #SoGove in her ambition. Not going to happen.

it's just a £10 cab ride Tim. Or £6.50 and questionable odours in an Uber.

Off to the British Summer highlight that is Wimbledon 🎾. Hoping it's a politician-free zone. Don't need anything taking away from Pimms time

Hanging bra-skets at the station making Surbitonites titter: m.surreycomet.co.uk/news/145…

None of my favourite olives at Waitrose today. Further evidence of this country utterly falling apart.

Mr Juncker, I think it's quite clear you've not enjoyed marital relations for some time. Don't take it out on the UK

I really do like Nicola Sturgeon. She's just a good hair styling, Jaeger suit and some lip liner away from being impressive in Margo terms.

Boris? Prime Minister of the United Kingdom? Just how much cheap sherry have you had?