I also cheated on Ethan Klein’s wife

Halloween is a particularly frightful season to be stabbed with a hypodermic needle on the subway

AI will never replace the delicate artistry and hands on work performed by our community's home invaders

what's the deal with sluts waiting for us spread eagle? is that seriously what we want to see, women acting like birds ?

you can tell when someone opens their eyes too much. the eye looks used up and nasty

if cars were edible your friend might hit you up and say hey man can you pick me up, I ate my car

if cars were edible the question wouldn't be "can i get a ride?" but rather "are you going to finish that?"

make. cars. edible.

instead of flying cars let's make cars we can eat

Fuck you if your bag of chips doesn't have a story on the back about why your founder decided to pursue a new approach to chips

Last year I attempted to end my life, driving my car into a lake. as the cold water slowly filled my metal tomb i came up with an idea for an accountability app. now i've received $7m in startup capital and am working with my team for our launch at the end of the month!

after making a noose and hanging it from a ceiling beam i realized i love working with rope. now i make artisanal nooses and travel the country selling them at county fairs. I love my life!

There's nothing wrong with suicidal ideation. Brainstorming is good, you might start off thinking about ending your life and end up with a great idea for a small business

There should be a code for getting out of the Starbucks restroom

is it possible that zookeepers are like agents in the matrix trying to keep us out of the 'real world' of the zoo enclosure, and guys that climb into them are sort of like Neo?

leftists don't like to talk about it but the first guys we're going to have to take out are my enemies

whether you love 'em or hate 'em, i'd say we're all on the edge of our seats waiting to see what whores do next

they should just euthanize the animals as soon as they get to the zoo instead of having to wait for a guy who is good at climbing over fences

just executed a rogues gallery of humanity's foes in my mind's eye. no worries everybody, the bad guys are all dead according to my imagination