Brent Something

Saw an old lady crossing the street so I did the boy scout thing and used two sticks to light her on fire.

Had a mid-life, mid-pandemic crisis and formed a band. Maybe take a break from the horribleness of Twitter and have a listen to our first single? songwhip.com/magicmountains/… BONUS: Any follows on Spotify would surely make these 4 old men smile into their soup…

I'm more poutine now than man; bloated and sweating

Googling 'how to remove chewing gum from a keyboard' and just making things worse

Of all the Costcos, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to walk into this one and catch me guzzling bottles of ranch dressing

Used a baseball bat to chase away some Jehovah’s Witnesses who were cleverly dressed as young girls trying to sell cookies.

Peeing freely in the great outdoors is the best thing about camping in the Walmart parking lot.

I've got an iron will and brass balls and nerves of steel and a lead foot and a heart of gold and a case of severe metal poisoning

If Turtle Wax isn’t made from real turtles then what the hell have I been putting on my toast all these years

*shouts over music* I MODERATE A D&D MESSAGE BOARD WANNA GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND "GAIN SOME EXPERIENCE POINTS”? *makes hip-thrusting motion*

I love the smell of napalm in the morning which is why they don’t let me plan the church breakfast anymore

No electric rooster men doing pull-ups allowed

dude, not cooul

Starting a one-man jazz band (it’s just me throwing boxes of silverware down the stairs)

Cruise Ship Log, Day 92. The food long gone, we've begun eating the steel drum band. Though nourished, we are no longer feeling hot hot hot.