michael - mr. tea

I know someone who did this at the time… and we all said WTF man!!? Not me, I took mine to see Groundhog Day!

adjunct convenience movie chaperone for 13yo and his friends, sitting in completely different part of movie theater parental achievement unlocked

“You started talking so we had to give you more anesthetic!” Interesting. Don’t tell me that.

“Daddy, you know what’s funny? My friend’s mom was saying how she’s really old, but she’s 10 years younger than you!!?” Yes son. Fucking _hilarious_!!

I miss my friend who knew exactly what to say to me

them: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in court. me: AND HE FILLS IT ONLY HALFWAY AND BEFORE I EVEN ARGUE HE IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AT SOMEBODY COMING IN

cmon cmon cmon

I know the serenity prayer is valuable to many but for me, it grates like some real toxic positivity bullshit god hasn’t granted me the serenity to accept the serenity prayer

10% summer 90% summer larp

my kids refer to all of the 1900s as “the 1900s” 1910? 1900s 1983? 1900s 1999? yep, “back in the 1900s” and they’re not wrong ☠️

you have lost the fucking plot mate

trapped in an elevator vacated by a man that smells of BO and deodorant fuck you, buddy tbqh the attempted coverup makes it 10X worse

I slept weird last night, and strained/pulled the muscles on the my right side/back … and now I can’t lie down, or even sit vaguely reclining so if it looks like I’m paying attention, I’m not. I’m just avoiding agony thanks

I’m seeing peleton ads on youtube, showing trainers and their.. shows?.. sessions?.. and it’s just about the bleakest black mirror shit I’ve seen worse than golf and skiing combined

cleaning your child’s vomit as a montage of all the other occasions scrolls through your brain 🥰

jesus* take the** wheel*** *drugs **my ***brain

bring the SKRONK! happy #303Day! youtube.com/watch?v=d3hAnAnJ…