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blue check boyfriend spent his day getting wined & dined by the staff of a major magazine that desperately wants to hire him, I ate 2 corn dogs at 5pm and then threw up… many paths to success
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health care system in this country is so fucked. went to the doctor to get my birth control refilled and they diagnosed me with scoliosis
asleep at the wheel for the past 35 minutes on the interstate having mistaken cruise control for autopilot, news helicopters circling & cops closing in, meanwhile im having a stress dream about getting a mean slack message from my boss in my Jeep Manipulator
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finally listened to some of that lady’s new album last night and it’s crazy that every six months y’all melt down over someone who writes lyrics like “I want the penthouse of your heart” lmao
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men will really be playing Nintendo switches during which time they could be laying roughly nine to ten bitches
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one time I asked my mom what she’d do if she was really rich and without hesitating she replied that she’d have giant aquarium walls installed in the houses of everyone she knew, whether or not they wanted one
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bereal is for cowards, there should be an app that once a day with no warning takes a photo with the front-facing camera and a screenshot of whatever you're looking at on your phone and immediately posts it
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*texting my ex* hey, happy Halloween … I’ve been thinking about how you used to say “hallo” to my ween :/
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boyfriend said he wanted to get a couple guys a “generous gift” as a thank you & I suggested he offer them each a night with me & he immediately replied “I said generous”
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Francis Fukuyama was right about the end of history stuff but it’s not bc of liberal democracy or whatever, it’s bc the hardest possible song has already been written (zombie by the cranberries). we’re all just kicking around idly now in a post zombie world
boyfriend wakes himself up every morning by blearily playing several games of chess on his phone. not ready to hold a conversation with me but putting some 50-year-old French guy on the internet in checkmate. the male brain is a mystery
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weighing my strong desire to move to New York against my strong desire to have a bathroom countertop
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