Told my daughter to eat at least half of the banana... Well, she's not wrong, but definitely a psychopath.

Whatta night. 😎 #GreenDay #SmashingPumpkins

RIP Heather Duke. 💚

The last of the guinea piggies is now gone. At least he went in his sleep! 😪💔

Targeted IG ads are getting too on the nose..or, uh, stomach. Also, fuck off

So, what would you do if your lifetime rockstar crush walked across the stage directly to you at the end of the concert, took off his shirt, pointed at you & then gave you the shirt??? Because that just happened to me & I'm still recovering. Thank you 😛

Him, flipping channels. Me, from another room, hears the first 5 seconds of the opening music & yells: "CHASING AMY." Him, yelling back: "Seriously, how the fuck?!" 🤣 cc: @ThatKevinSmith

Just watched 2 teens collect cigarette butts off the ground to (I'm assuming) smoke later. HOW IS THAT STILL A THING THAT HAPPENS.

Just had to explain to my 10yo daughter what the taint is... how is everyone else's Monday morning going?

Me: "Uh-uh, Pendleton. The, um, the white cake with the sweet frost." Him: I don't know her. #IYKYK

IF THEY AREN'T CALLED "CLEVER GIRLS", I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT IT. jkjk ❤️

Finally got around to adding the decal I bought a decade ago. 🤣 @The_SecretStash

Until chip/crisp bags come resealable, I consider them all single serving.

Geese walking across the road: "Get the fuck off, you demon cobra chickens!" Geese walking across the road with a half dozen goslings: