hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

(tony soprano to chipotle employee) extshra sholsha

107 degrees. mailman walking up my driveway looking like he’s on a quest to destroy a magical ring

(to the tune of mr brightside) im mrs doubtfire

i love dating profiles that are like.. Tooth 32 4 Miles Away About me: my name isn't tooth, i don't know how to change it

i’d move immediately. wouldn’t be able to live knowing theres a tunnel system of dorks under me

2 coors lights

simpsons ass country

facebook marketplace is my favorite social media site. hands down

(my dog from the back seat) hey you ran that grey light

doesn’t really feel like 9/11 this year

truest tweet and reply i’ve ever seen

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

imagine hating me and i’m just at home like this

being a regular guy named dostoevsky back in the day must have sucked shit. someones always saying, are you *the* dostoevsky? and every time you have to be like, bro no i’m a different dostoevsky

shuffling back to bed from the bathroom half asleep at 2am and watching my bed turn into an air tight bunker as the house starts to shake

simpler times