been wearing this operation ivy shirt so long now it’s a rancid shirt

It’s 1987, I’m yelling Crush, Kill, Destroy at my cousin after seeing Lost In Space on TV. It’s 1995, I’m yelling Crush, Kill, Destroy, Stress as the DJ plays Organized Konfusion. It’s 2026, I’m Crushing, Killing, and Destroying at this comedy show for 8 ppl in a moldy basement

Not sure why news outlets always address me personally. Thanks, I guess

Hey google, smother me with that pillow

On the subway I yelled “Siri, self-destruct!” and all the iPhones started exploding

If they’re gonna charge that much then there shouldn’t be a bite out of the Apple

I wonder if Bun B plays Wordle

trying to explain the concept of 49 years bad luck to a dog that just broke a mirror

antonyms imply the existence of unclonyms

burning antonyms with a magnifying glassonym

This little piggy rhymes home with none and then with home again. Uninspired

They say you’re a square for not being edgy. Have they seen a square? Edges all over. Don’t even get me started on cubes

My friend Mara js the world’s leading cherry expert. What I’m saying is, Mara she know cherries

Before mirrors existed people thought the guy doing the lettering on the front of ambulances was crazy. Just wait he said. You’ll see

*Controversial episode of Bojack with hack comedian guest star* Shane Gillfish: Women at the gym dress like horse

Kelly Clarkson? What’s next, Clark Kellydaughter?

They should make a prequel to The Butterfly Effect called The Caterpillar Effect

Thanksgiving was brutal. Someone put the iceberg lettuce in front of the gravy boat and we had a titanic situation