alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂 [shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah] me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

guy: it’s nice to meet you me: no it isn’t him: what me: [breathing heavily, way too close to his face] it is not nice to meet me

bird watchers be like what’s up i’m watching birds

setting up one of those change my mind stands and then immediately changing my mind and agreeing with everyone that comes to argue with me

does anyone know where i can illegally stream college football

sorry guys i cant make it to our 10 year highschool reunion im actually still only 23 years old 👍 sucks that yall are all getting super old tho sorry to hear that

me: i’ll have a cheeseburger and that’s it five guys employee: ok what else me: [nervous, sweating] i said that’s it employee: order them me: n-no employee: [out loud while typing in my order] cheeseburger and 1 million fries. coming right up

cop: do you know why i pulled you over me: no cop: guess haha 😛 me: what cop: i feel like you don’t like me 🙁

this is the ideal relationship. anything else is just bullshit

me: stop guy who’s hobby is spelunking: [trying to get under my couch] i think i can fit

my date: i love finding nemo, have you seen it me who hasn’t seen the movie but saw a clip of the part where the guys take nemo into the boat: yeah my favorite part is when they eat him

[talking to my highschool quarterbacks 5 month old son] that guy used to throw the fucking football to me you don’t fucking get it bro

i swear to god if i see one more incel post about how women hate men or another post about how shitty men are i’m going to lose my mind. do you people not know anyone that is nice. are you all insane. why is my tl full of this bullshit

it’s spelled “don’t”.. there’s an apostrophe. ever heard of a frickin book? it’s called working out youre are brain. maybe you should try it dumbass

i just found out if you bring a gun into mcdonald’s they will make you pretty much anything