Who dare outbid me on the stone cold Steve Austin corded wall phone?!!

I would like to know who im bidding against on eBay so I can threaten them

Some coworkers were curious about what my granny looks like and the only photo I have of her on my phone is this one of her and Ginuwine at the casino

Yeah im a super low maintenance cool girl, all I need is daily mood stabilizers, 8 hours of sleep, 3-4 hours a week on a $4k exercise bike, daily meditation, to lay in a 300 degree oven at the Korean spa at least quarterly, and constant validation!

Learned last week that pub owners are called publicans, so does that make pug owners puglicans?

No thoughts just vibes

I love being an LMT and telling people how to take care of their bodies and then hurrying back to my treatment room to chug room temperature Diet Coke

Wrestling rules

I have taken up upon myself to eat all of the chocolate covered pretzels left over from Valentine’s Day at my job

Had a stressful night because someone stole my debit card info and spent $575 on tickets to the dougie b house party but now I’m listening to bossanova and misting my plants while it snows gently outside

Yeah my coworkers elementary-aged kids speak English, Spanish, and Mandarin but have they ever ordered uno quesarito

Remembering when an old friend and her boyfriend broke up so I told her he was one of the few men out there who can make riding a motorcycle look deeply lame and now they’re married 🙃

We’ve got big bang theory, we’ve got young Sheldon, but where is geriatric Sheldon? When do we watch the life leave his eyes?

My cat’s fat neck

Has everyone always been this preoccupied with protein?

Gorgeous gorgeous girls use the taco eyeshadow palate

Hitting the pen after a 10 hour shift