What if you spent years working telepathically to teach your dog English- and then the voice that came out of them was just really annoying? Can’t take that chance.

People saying I can’t multitask are idiots. I can be wrong and mean at the same time.

I imagine all seven of the horsemen of the apocalypse blowing each other up sayin’- “this is it right?” “It’s gotta be it.” “Ya wait so long... then like... silence.”

I wonder if the new religions that bloom from this age with have truths revealed from god in text messages? Or will they continue with the golden tablets- but now they are delivered on those iPad looking things.

Pulled this little @PostMalone cover ‘Circles’ ⭕ together in support of @joeyssong , an amazing organization which focuses on raising money and awareness for epilepsy research. Check out the full version of the cover here & support the cause ❤️️: youtu.be/TJ0jT-i9HU8

What if black holes are just like swirly hot tubs for galaxies to relax in? I’m just saying we could be all worried for nothing.

Will retweet for chili. Chili or anything from @Chilis

When the @packers have a bye week- I spend the entire day pretending the season is over and we won the Super Bowl. I stand smiling while thoughtfully replaying each memory. Sometimes I laugh when I remember how I worried- oh how I laugh!

I just wanna make sure that everyone’s Facebook is recommending they rush to buy these lifelike middle aged men masks.

I think I hate boats. Never have I wished to be hammered in a confined- floating space with no bathroom.

All coffee is iced if you’re lazy enough.

Does @Hardees think we don’t see this is just a burger topped with a bunch of silly tongues? We see the silly tongues @Hardees !! #beyondcurious

Napping is basically showing a beautiful day who’s boss. You’re not gonna be all controlled by warm rays of glistening sunshine just because it suddenly wants attention.

You’re just a kimono away from comfort.

As an acoustic guitar player- it’s impossible to find a way to “rock sway” along while other band members take their ripping solos and not look like a complete idiot. If you disagree- make your case with concrete proof.

Nihilist Dad Jokes could fix everything- yet no one would care.

If your profile says- Husband- Believer- Dad- etc... I expect you to have alien secrets you keep from your lover and kids.

I would love to hear about the podcast you just heard for an hour.