David Loewy

Stop trying to make #fetch happen.

I made it to Dulles right on time for my flight. Then I realized my flight is leaving from Reagan. ...Fuck.

I've either gotten really good at packing quickly, or I've forgotten something critical. Can't wait to find out which.

Just got a great compliment from a housemate: "Every time Dave walks in, it feels like Three's Company or something."

A great man once said, "Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, bananaphone."

"Humpty Dumpty, bitches."

"Huh, it doesn't look as big on the other tables." "That's what she said."

Mime riot. Think about it.

They say not to eat the little silica gel packets that come in shoe boxes, but they just taste so good.

There's nothing like a good pig kunckle.

I was just handed six free tickets to see Ted Nugent at the Fillmore in Friday. Any takers?

Toadies at the Fillmore in Silver Spring tonight. Who wants to be my concert buddy?

Bob Costas: "Okay, we're back, but that would appear evident, wouldn't it?"

One fish, two fish, whitefish, gefilte fish.

Did anybody else notice the Noel Fielding lookalike on roller skates that might have been Noel Fielding?

Girl in front of me in the movie theater: "If I was creating the cover art for Call Of Duty, I would draw a turd on the telephone."

In Germany, dubstep goes "Vub vub vub."

Do you think there's a market for novelty oversized communion wafers?

Pro Tip: Wash hands between eating "Fiery Hot" beef jerky and inserting contact lenses.

Tattoo idea for my chest: a large face of a bald man. I can change his facial hair patterns by shaving my chest creatively. Thoughts?