Pajama-Clad Child Makes Turbulent Rampage Through Dinner Party

BOSTON—Noting his short outbursts of laughter as he charged across the house, sources confirmed Saturday that pajama-clad 5-year-old Lucas Mason made a turbulent rampage through a dinner party hosted...

Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds

WASHINGTON—A two-year investigation conducted in five major cities has exposed a widespread campaign by the formidable Rest and Fluids industry to infiltrate thousands of doctors’ offices and dictate...

Wedding Experts Say Engagement Ring Should Cost At Least Three Diamond Miners’ Lives

NEW YORK—Maintaining that the jewelry was absolutely essential in communicating trust and commitment to your partner, matrimony experts confirmed Tuesday that an adequate engagement ring should cost...

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

ARLINGTON, MA—According to onlookers in Wright Park, local sad sack Morgan Jennings was intimidated, bullied, and sent fleeing for safety by a Canada goose today while walking beside the park’s...

Kendrick Lamar Awarded Nobel Beef Prize

Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still...

INDIANAPOLIS–Despite assuming that he had lost every last possible ounce of hope long ago, area office-supply coordinator Bob Dempsey, 31, was surprised to discover Monday that he did, in fact,...

Everything Taking Too Long

WASHINGTON—An overwhelming sense of restlessness and impatience engulfed the U.S. this week when citizens determined that everything—the morning commute, phone conversations, getting a table at...

Man Relaxing His Overwhelming Anxiety For Just A Moment Finally Gives Pack Of Coyotes The Opening...

KANSAS CITY—Stopping to take stock of himself and actually enjoy the fresh air, area man Michael Perez relaxed his overwhelming sense of anxiety for just a moment Thursday, giving a pack of coyotes...

Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances

DAYTON, OH—Admiring how he could assemble a sour demeanor from practically nothing, employees at Western Business Services told reporters Friday their coworker Mark Daniels has the ability to cobble...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he...

Poor 3rd Grader Bullied For Using Generic EpiPen

ROANOKE, VA—As he struggled to discreetly administer the life-saving anaphylaxis treatment following a bee sting, local poor third grader Mason Prewitt was reportedly bullied this week for using a...

Denny’s Announces Free Pancakes For Customers Who Take Fight Outside

SPARTANBURG, SC—Introducing a new promotion that will be available to both adults and children at its restaurants nationwide, 24-hour diner chain Denny’s announced this week that free pancakes would...

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at...

Family Cuts Nursing Home Visit Short So Grandmother Can Get Back To Excruciating Loneliness

TOLEDO, OH—Bending down to hug her in her wheelchair before quickly saying their goodbyes, members of the Schueller family reportedly cut their nursing home visit short Thursday so that their...