Fran Casadomé

Me estoy divirtiéndo mucho con los post que me llegan de los Australianos. Están sembrados: .Alright. Let’s talk about this absolute geopolitical shitshow for a second. So picture the scene. You’ve got Spain, right. A normal country. Tapas. Siestas. People arguing about football and drinking wine in the sun. And suddenly they wake up one morning and Donald Trump is on television basically screaming: “IF YOU DON’T HELP ME BOMB IRAN I’M CUTTING OFF TRADE.” Mate… what the fuck is this? Is this foreign policy or a drunk bloke threatening to leave a group chat? And Spain’s Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez comes out and says the Middle East escalation is a “disaster.” Which, by the way, is the most polite European way possible of saying: “THIS IS A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK.” Because Europeans don’t scream like Americans do. They just calmly sip an espresso and go: “Yes… this situation is extremely concerning.” Which translates to: “WHO GAVE THE TODDLER THE NUCLEAR CODES?” Now here’s the bit that makes this whole thing even funnier. Spain said no to letting the U.S. use joint military bases on Spanish soil for the strikes on Iran. And suddenly Donald Trump is like: “FINE. NO TRADE WITH SPAIN.” Mate… that’s not diplomacy. That’s a bloke flipping the Monopoly board because he landed on someone else’s hotel. Can you imagine the conversation in Madrid? Spanish officials sitting around a big table going: “So the Americans want to use our bases to bomb Iran.” And one guy at the back just slowly raises his hand like: “Maybe… we DON’T join the Middle East apocalypse today?” And everyone goes: “Yeah. That sounds reasonable.” Meanwhile Trump is pacing around the Oval Office like a bloke who just lost a bet at the pub. “You guys don’t wanna help bomb Iran? FINE. NO PAELLA FOR YOU. NO OLIVE OIL. NO TOURISTS.” Mate, Spain’s entire national reaction was probably just: “Okay.” Because here’s the reality nobody in Washington seems to understand. The rest of the world is exhausted with this cowboy shit. You bomb someone. Then you threaten someone else. Then you scream at your allies. Then oil prices explode. Then the global economy starts coughing up a lung. And then everyone acts surprised like: “How did this happen?” HOW DID IT HAPPEN? Mate it happened because the global strategy right now looks like it was written on the back of a fucking napkin at a steakhouse. And Spain just looked at the whole thing and went: “Nope.” Which honestly might be the most adult response anyone’s had in this entire mess. Because while Washington is running around lighting geopolitical fireworks, countries like Spain are standing there going: “You realise we have trade routes, energy markets, and 450 million Europeans who would quite like NOT to start World War Three today, yeah?” But of course Trump’s response is: “Cut off trade!” Mate Spain exports $20 billion worth of stuff to the U.S. Wine. Cars. Machinery. Food. You’re gonna cut that off because they wouldn’t let you use their backyard to launch missiles? That’s like threatening to divorce your wife because she won’t lend you the car to rob a bank. “YOU’RE NOT SUPPORTING MY VISION!” Your vision is a fucking felony, mate. And here’s the funniest part. This whole tantrum actually makes Spain look like the only sober bloke at a 3am house party. Everyone else is smashing furniture, lighting fireworks inside, punching holes in the wall. And Spain’s standing in the kitchen holding a glass of water going: “Guys… maybe we should all calm the fuck down.” So yeah. Pedro Sánchez calling this a “disaster” might actually be the most accurate understatement of the decade. Because when the adults in the room start using words like disaster… It usually means the rest of the room is on fire and someone’s trying to fix it with a fucking flamethrower. ~Gman – at Madrid, Spain