Mister SuperBadd

I got a call from a scammer yesterday. Me: “Hello.” Scammer: (thick, heavy accent) “Hello. This is Tom Smith from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity coming from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” Scammer: “Oh yes, Madam. We have many reports.” Me: “Oh, jeez. How can I fix it?” Scammer: “It’s okay, Madam. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” Scammer: “Good, Madam. Please push the Start button.” Me: “I think it’s already on.” Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Now click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” Scammer: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” Scammer: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow. I didn’t realize it had a name.” Scammer: “Yes, Madam. Now press Internet Options.” Me: “I don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I bought that feature. This is just a cheap one.” Scammer: “All devices have Internet, Madam. Press the Start button again.” Me: “Okay. Same as before.” Scammer: “That’s fine, Madam. We will restart your device. Please turn it off.” Me: “Um… I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. It kind of just stays on.” Scammer: “There must be an off button. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “I usually press the big button.” Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Press that button.” Me: “Okay.” Scammer: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” Scammer: “Door? Is there a disc inside?” Me: “No. There’s a burrito.” Scammer: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”