#yorkshireholidayupdate we're off to a cracking start. Did a food shop on the way and had my retinas poisoned. Mother in law wearing a vest in the fridge aisle. They were like the eyes of Satan looking at me. No amount of therapy....
#Norfolkholidayupdate Eating ice cream and Father-in-law just referred to Hundreds and Thousands as 'Thousand-and-ones'. Love that man.
#Norfolkholidayupdate there's always one really shit holiday day and it was today. Lost a child for one heart-stopping moment, had to go to Great Shartmouth, spilled a whole bottle of veg oil. Never mind, Wells tomorrow and a pint of Doom Bar in the pub with dinner tonight. Bonza
#norfolkholidayupdate Was pulled to safety seconds before ending it all on the pier earlier. Don't worry, I have come to my senses. I'm going to get a hypnotist to make me forget that I saw her stepping out of the shower this morning. Have stopped bleaching my eyes now.
#norfolkholidayupdate We got kicked out of Cromer and the whole town had to be fumigated to get rid of her crabs. Went to Sheringhan instead. She stole chips from a seagull.
#norfolkholidayupdate we're of to Cromer today. The irony is that she'll be taking the crabs there, as well as coming away with them.
#norfolkholidayupdate after a looooong absence, we're back with your updates from lovely Norfolk. That's right, I've willingly trapped myself in an enclosed space with a thundercunt again. Expect swearing.
Update: this is now my favourite tweet ever. How could this be topped?
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