r/oneliners

12 AM doesn’t feel like the middle of the night anymore but 3 AM does.

Magic Johnson wasted the worlds best Porn Star name on a sports career

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Buying an assault weapon for self-defense sounds a bit contradictory

Great aches from little toe corns grow.

There is a food that if only eaten once, gives you a headache for life: wedding cake.

The number of people older than you never increases

As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up, but it turns out that this is called identity theft and is illegal.

Marriage is a combined effort of two persons in solving problems that did not exist before marriage.

A dyslexic person walks into a bra.

We all have silly hang-ups-- personally, I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other two.

In a world where nothing but left hands exist, nothing is right.

If there’s sexual tension between two people who hate to miss out on things is that called FOMO-erotic?

I don’t feel very mature while wearing a diaper

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... especially if you throw it at him really hard!

I love contemplating morally ambiguous things like making it rain at a hurricane relief fund raiser.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef -mitch hedburg

I ordered some bundles of wood for my smoker and just like everything else, the apple was the most expensive.

Earth without art is just Eh…

Building a pyramid is easy up to a point.

Where did Grimace go?