For the love of god, if you can, stay inside. And if you are bored, DANCE! #EnoughIsEnough

I feel relief that multinational corporations have my best interests at heart. Now if you excuse me, i'm going to fill up my car with totally safe leaded gasoline while I smoke a pack of doctor recommended lucky strike cigarettes.

The WHO recommends a maximum daily intake of 40 milligrams of aspartame per kilogram of body weight. Which is 33 cans of soda a day. I’ve been following these guidelines since this article came out. In unrelated news. I have about a month to live.

I once jumped out a window to get my current girlfriend to notice me. 🧍🏻‍♀️👨‍🦼 Best decision I’ve ever made in my life

Can’t wait for the sequel to Oppenheimer: OppenHymen: Atomic Pussy

Abraham Lincoln if he was a Pimp: “420 Score and 69 years ago 😎”

I can’t remember the last time I had a vegetable 😔

Women wear bras on their boobs. But men don’t wear bras for their balls?

I was at a wedding this weekend. There was a disposable camera placed on every table. People were taking photos of the food. People were taking photos of each other dancing. I took 23 photos of my ass.

Career, Relationship, Success, Happiness? Or Elden Ring?

Now I know why I got my Vaccines! It was to be allowed to go into the theater and see Jackass Forever!

Gonna drive to Ottawa with my Honk if you’re horny bumper sticker

Am I the only person that secretly hopes the booster shot is filled with cum?💦🤤

Fight the flower!

Hi

If I couldn't grow a beard I probably would be more in shape. You know what they always say: The face is the gateway to how fat I am

I put a fried egg in my chicken sandwich. That way I can eat the mommy and the baby at the same time.

Only recently I realized I don't have to say "Hey, I have an Idea!" Whenever I have an idea.