BREAKING NEWS!! The NFL has instituted a new rule in the wake of the 49ers’ players committing outrageous acts of violent football in recent games. NFL Rule 178.3(a) now states: “NO player shall, with the intent to use overt physical force, contact another player on the opposing team with such intensity that it makes said opposing player suffer any one of the following: 1.) A bruise that leaves a purple mark significant enough that the victim player feels self-conscious about wearing short pants in public; 2.) A tearing of a uniform garment that would make a jersey exchange at the end of the game impossible; 3.) An injury such that it makes engaging in recreational life activities such as badminton, performance dance, Pilates, or scrapbooking uncomfortable; 4.) Any psychological harm, including but not limited to anxiety, depression, general nervousness, resentment, lowering of self-esteem, fear of crowds, fear of closed spaces, fear of open spaces, career doubts, or feelings of inadequacy; 5.) Any secondary medical condition, including but not limited to dizziness, aphasia, chronic headaches, blurred vision, fatigue, acute bed wetting, vertigo, numbness in the joints, numbness in the feet, abdominal pain, constipation, or chronic inability to recite the alphabet without singing.” The league stated this afternoon that it has instituted this rule as part of its ongoing effort to make football more emotionally available to elementary school children, encounter groups, book clubs, lawn bowling fans, folk singers, piano teachers, and male shift lead baristas who wear their hair up in a bun. Neither the NFLPA nor the 49ers organization have yet commented on this rule change.