Ian Maxtone-Graham

May the Sith be with you.

I can't honestly say whether range eggs actually taste any better than normal eggs. But whenever I'm at the store I get them, because they're free.

More people are killed every year by bee stings than by shark stings.

I don't do this kind of thing often but… if you live in LA you have to go see this guy, now at the Mark Taper Forum. He's amazing, incredibly funny, just go. teapawt.net/AlexEdelman/status/171…

I think a good recovery snack for when you've been playing a lot of Whack-a Mole would be guacamole.

Which Jimmy Buffett song do you think Beyonce will play tonight as a tribute? Margaritaville is the obvious choice but I think she'll go sweet / mournful, maybe Come Monday?

It's still calm out there, which proves that there's no way a storm is coming.

I think Fran Drescher's leadership is just the shot in the arm our strike needs!

What is the sound of two hands clapping?

More like "MIN" lol

No one ever lies on their deathbed wishing they had spent less time shopping for a comfy deathbed.

I think there's something a little off about my porch light.

Hey WGA, you know where else they make you picket on your half-birthday? COMMUNIST RUSSIA!

Picketing via zoom this week hope that's cool with everyone. #wgaonstrike

So if someone falsely accuses you of rape, isn't your instant automatic response "I would never rape anyone?" And isn't saying, instead of that, that someone's "not your type" kind of implying that you might have raped her if she was your type?

Here's how Trump can own the libs and Alvin Bragg: show up ALREADY wearing handcuffs. Beat you to it, bitches. Plus they'd be solid gold, natch, because classiness.

EXECUTIVE 1: Listen, audiences just don't respond to rectangles. They're not funny, they're not, I don't know, playful, inviting. Rectangles don't put asses in seats. EXECUTIVE 2: Okay... then how about... *Triangle* of Sadness? EXECUTIVE 1: Bingo! Let's get lunch.