As a parent, you need to know that a child who is never allowed to fail does not necessarily become confident. Sometimes you are just raising an adult who has never learned to sit with the consequences of their actions, and may never. Every little thing sends you into defence and protection mode. You call to caution the teacher over small issues. You go to their school to physically attack the teacher over a disciplinary measure taken against your child. There is always someone to blame for poor exam scores or rebellious behavior. Someone always fixes their mess. Then when they grow up and resume at an office where nobody is paid to rescue them, their very first query feels like persecution, and the manager who asks for a report on time is suddenly "toxic." Guiding children is like holding the seat for a child learning to ride a bicycle. If you always hold it, the child will find it very difficult to learn to balance. And, if you let go too early on a bad road, the child will break a knee. So the wise parent runs beside the bicycle, lets go on the smooth stretch, and is still close enough to pick the child up when the fall comes. But there is another side to this teaching that I always love to talk about. Letting your child face the consequences of their own decisions shouldn't mean leaving them to repeat the mistakes you already made. You know what it cost you to marry in a hurry, to not take your academics seriously, to not give your savings to a "trusted" friend, to ignore your health until it shouted, to loaf around at 25 and have nothing at 45, or to stay quiet when you should have spoken up. Those lessons were expensive, and I don't see why your child should go through them again, unless they are bent on learning it the hard way. There is this lady who got pregnant at 16, in SS2. Her father disowned her. Her lover boy disappeared. And her secondary school quietly asked her not to return. She sold pure water by the roadside with a baby tied to her back, while her mates finished secondary school and went on to university. Though she did go back to school in the end, because God is faithful and her mother never gave up on her, but it took 9 years to get what should have taken 4. As soon as her daughter turned 13, she knew she had to start talking to her. But instead of the usual speech, "Don't let any boy touch you or I will kill you," she sat her daughter down and told her about her life. That even though she was the best thing that ever happened to her, her choice of man was poor. She told her what her choices cost her, the price she paid, and how she would have given anything to do things differently. She made sure to equip her daughter with information to guide her into making better choices. With the type of smart children we are raising these days, honest conversations do more than 100 threats ever would. As mothers, because we spend more time with these children, we need to give them truth without shame, love them without conditions, and give them ample room to ask questions without fear of being shut down or punished. A child who can ask you anything will tell you everything, but a child who is afraid of you will learn to lie beautifully. So it is important that we tell our stories without shame and without a sermon. Tell your child your mistakes, what they cost you, and what you would do differently if God gave you another chance. Those scars of yours can become their map. Where the road is one you have already walked, guide them with the truth. Where the road is theirs to walk, stand beside them, let them feel the weight of their decisions, and help them make sense of it afterwards. Protect them from your mistakes, and prepare them for their own. As parents, the greatest gift you can give your child is wisdom from your past and the freedom to learn from their own choices, while you are still close enough to hold their hand. Selah!

You need to pay attention to how your spouse behaves when frustrated, because it will tell you more about the person than all the charm they showed when everything was going their way. Courtship is a season where a lot of people put up their best behaviour, but marriage is a long season where the real person finally comes out to play. Every couple has a quarrel that reveals something. A husband who insults his wife in front of the children over every little issue is clearly showing you how he handles disappointment, and a wife who gives the silent treatment for days after an argument is also showing you how she handles hurt. Nobody wakes up one morning and invents these habits. They were learnt in the homes we grew up in, and we digested them and carried them into our marriages. For instance, when a husband is raised watching his father walk out whenever his mother challenged him, he learns that leaving is how a man handles conflict, and so he runs to his "boys" every time his wife raises an issue. When a wife grows up hearing "Because I said so" as an order from her mother, she learns that questions are rebellion, and so she cannot hear her husband calmly say "I do not like that" without calling it disrespect. A man raised in a house where the father was never wrong learns that apologising is for the weak, so he would rather buy his wife a wig, a phone, or a new set of jewellery before he says 3 simple words, "I am sorry." Marriage is like a pot of soup that has been sitting on the fire for years. You can change the bowl, change the table, and even change the room you serve it in, but when the lid is lifted, it is the same soup. If it was bitter in the first year and nobody addressed it, then 20 years later you will find that the bitterness has become more concentrated. And we make it worse by excusing it. Someone will give the silent treatment, expecting the other person to feel the impact of a mistake made, and yet we say "he is just quiet." A spouse will talk condescendingly to us and sometimes extend it to our family, and we will say "she is only expressing herself." Even when someone refuses to own mistakes that should be addressed, we say "he is a proud man." Then we start moving from church to church, praying and fasting, asking the Almighty to change a person who has never been asked to change, and who has never been shown what changing looks like. Frustration is not the enemy of a marriage. How we behave inside it is. Two people can be equally angry. One will say "I am upset, let me calm down and we will talk," while the other will throw words that take years to heal. The difference is not love, because both of them may love deeply. The difference is emotional maturity, and it can be learnt at any age. A simple question like "What is it that I do when I am angry that hurts you?", asked calmly and followed by listening without defending yourself, does wonders in tense moments. Learn to apologise first, even when you feel you were only 50% wrong, because the other 50% will rarely arrive if you wait for it, and things will keep deteriorating. Saying "I need a moment" instead of just vanishing is healthier for your marriage. And if you are still searching for a spouse, do not be carried away by how well someone behaves on a good day. Take time to study and watch them when they are tired, embarrassed, or not getting their way, because that is when the family they came from and it's dynamics reveal itself, and it is that person you will be coming home to for the next 40 years of your life.