Hakim Givens

james spader plays ultron like a man who has been on hold with customer service since 2015

I've been doing pretty well for someone who regularly uses tupperware lids as plates.

I'd rather be the first guy in a bomb disarming squad than the guy who has to come up with the first thing to say after meeting someone new.

I've stopped telling people "I'm awful with names" and just started saying "I'm awful". It's much more time-efficient and far more accurate.

I've lived on this earth for two decades and still don't know how snakes move

To ppl who comment “boobs” on the selfie of a girl wearing a low-cut top: thanks for clearing that up human anatomy is super confusing to me

The guy who named it "macaroni and cheese" kept it so real.

Officer: do you know how fast you were going? Me: yeah, about as fast as updog Officer: you're under arrest Me: oh not much how about you?

"Can you call me?" is the new "Can you help me move?"

I've never concentrated on anything as hard as when there's a dead body on a TV show and I'm trying to see if the body moves.

"What are u doing this weekend?" "I don't know" "what are u doing tomorrow?" "I don't know" "what are u doing w/ your life?" "I don't know"

I'm pretty tough, but not "eats Taco Bell for breakfast" tough.

Eating this sandwich alone at Subway is probably the most depressing thing I’ve done since the last time I ate a sandwich alone at Subway

A Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial, except it's just Snapchats of your friends having fun at parties they never invited you to.

Found my isle!

A good way to make sure I never enter your contest is to threaten me with a free Blackberry.

My version of "Back to the Future" would be the same, but instead of saving my parents' marriage I'd stop the Selfie Stick from happening.