My brother in christ.. what???????

Hey even if I dont post much, im still checking in every day guys and try my best to return actively cuz I legit love you all and this account has been a lot of fun and helping me through depression thanks to you all🤍 ‼️TRAUMADUMP and RANT about my struggles in the past 2 years involving Death, Drugs and Depression ahead⚠️ Unfortunately my grandpa passed away 2 weeks ago, exactly 2 years after my grandma, at least in the same bed and the same way as her too.. both died of a heart attack, peacefully in their sleep, each on their side of the bed... best conditions a 50+ year couple could die in.. 🕊️💞 They were more like a mom and dad to me than my actual parents, loved me more than anyone else and always, since my birth, I had them around me until their last moment, so obviously I was the one to find both of them dead first and was the last one both have talked to before it. These have been my first 2 experiences with the death of close ones, I could say unfortunately it was the two closest people to me but with all the pain they have endured and all the pills my granny had to take on a daily basis.. after all I'm glad they don't have to suffer any more. Not sure how much this will affect me in the future but so far it's not been nearly as bad as with my granny back then.. ..either because her death was a shocking surprise to everyone, died with 69, and didn't show any noticeable random signs that she will before whatsoever.., other than at the last week being awake late at night every day at times I haven't seen her be awake at ever before. She did say every night that she couldnt sleep of pain around her shoulder/breast but I didnt think much about it.. until she passed.. I talked to her last and her last words to me were "I don't know if I'll be able to cook something tomorrow".. with me replying "Don't worry about it, I'll just make something myself" cuz my drug abusing ass didn't plan on eating tomorrow anyways... She always cooked for me and that was the first time she said that.. ever.. maybe she wouldn't have died if I convinced her otherwise.. She herself knew tho, that her time came, said to my dad in the weekend before that "she may die in peace now" after she saw my dad + all of her grandchildren (we are 5 total) for the first time together along all those other signs.. Thought a lot about allat in those 2 years.. she cared about everyone too much and was too careless with herself. Lots of regrets are there that can't be undone but are natural. After her death, those weeks.. all I remember is I cried the most I ever did even though I knew before already that somebody close dying would be the only thing that could break me.. knowing that didn't help Also experienced my dad crying for the first time since middle school 15 years ago. I started worrying more about him than myself. Now, after Gramps passed away been suppressing most thoughts about him to not fall into deep thinking... ...that's surprisingly super effective so far, probably because i been sober since his death and back when my granny died I was on constant substance abuse arc..., sooo dont do that if you lose someone.. IT WILL NOT HELP! Instead it will fuck you up even harder and quite possibly introduce you to actual deep ✨DEPRESSION✨ if you weren't familiar with it before.. Worse, if you're as retarded as I am you won't even be aware of it until months later that something ain't right with you, cope that it's ADHD and only a year later find out about the actual meaning of depression by getting diagnosed. (I thought depression was when somebody wanted to ropemaxx themselves before..) Till then, I lost about all of my online friends just by subconsciously avoiding and ghosting socials whatsoever.. started when I returned from her funeral and decided to not hop into VC with the boys, even thought I was in there every single fucking day before.. only 1 WHOLE month later I noticed that I wasnt in there for this long, didnt question it tho. ⬇️