I am a grumpy orange cat who loves pasta. half girl, half idiot. this is a parody account - any likeness to people, places, and events is coincidental.
Boston, MA
Joined February 2010
- Tweets8.2K
- Following774
- Followers299
- Likes14.4K
I don’t have anyone waiting for me at home (ideal)
But my favorite ice cream place did post on IG to welcome me home from vacation (peak)
Today I was playing with my friend’s 4 yo and all the sudden he looks up at me and says “can we fight?”
I get asked my secret to looking so young a lot & it actually doesn’t have anything to do with a good skincare routine, the secret is being as stupid as you were when you were young.
I, for example, broke my hand yesterday showing a friend a trick to open a beer bottle. I am 34.
I like to tell my friends and family “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do” as a way of giving them way more options than they ever thought possible.
Popping in to update everyone on my Dad’s steadfast devotion to watching every sequel of every dance movie ever made…
11:52pm *Step Up 4 scrolls across Netflix suggestions*
Me: have you seen that one?
Dad: yah
M: any good?
D: eh
…
D: I’m gonna watch it again
*hits play*
Favorite ice cream shop opened for the season so I took the neighborhood kids. I mentioned allergens to the scooper & 8yo goes - you only promised our parents we’d come back with 10 fingers & 10 toes so it actually doesn’t matter if I eat peanuts
& that’s on setting expectations
Today I was with two friends and two of us agreed that seeing your friend 3.5 months ago was “recent” and the third guy just isn’t a traveler or expat
My willingness to get a tattoo for a joke that exactly 3 people have ever laughed at is my beige flag - the fact that no one laughs at it actually makes it way funnier for me. I have achieved the precise level of silly stupid that I’ve always aspired to. My Mom is gonna hate it.
My Dad isn’t very sentimental but when I’ve been traveling for a while he will text me to ask me for recipes and that’s how I know he at least misses my cooking
Thrilled to report that without adult supervision on this trip I have only sustained a concussion, dislocated shoulder, and one stupid tattoo. Incredible injury stats under the circumstances.
Messy Jesse • known aliases: the ring leader retweeted
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: I feel like I was kicked in the head
Friend: well that makes sense, because you were
Me: yah, and it feels like it.
I was texting one of my friends in El Salvador and he started sending voice notes so I told him I was going to bed and he was like aww why and I was like sorry I’m too tired to hear Spanish
The most adult thing I do is but plane tickets just anytime I feel like going somewhere.
The least adult thing I do is repeatedly raw dogging a foreign country searching accommodations and excursions as I sit waiting to board my plane.