John Brown

If you haven't grown up by the time you are fifty, you don't have to.

Me after a no-laugh joke: You’re going to miss me when I’m gone. Lucy: Yes I will. But you’re here now so I don’t.

Having a teenage son is like having the world's worst roommate.

Observation: guys in Corvettes wave at each other.

I thought my life would be like a ZZ Top video by now.

How to make your wife really mad: in the grocery store put an item back in the wrong place.

Life pro tip: if you want to drive your children insane, yell "I win!" randomly.

When your wife is out of town you can load the dishwasher ALL WRONG! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA

My son lingers over the @CocaColaCo Freestyle machine like he's buying a diamond.

I propose new federal code: the pitiful restaurant bathroom air hand dryer is outlawed.

We installed @ATT fiber at my house. I have reached self-actualization on Maslows hierarchy of needs.

Life pro tip: don't look at who is coming in behind you in the 5K. Because they probably have strollers.

My son gets mad at me and yells every time I dance in the living room. My house is the town of Footloose.

The current state of social media makes me long for a simpler time when it was only about your own narcissism.

A nice car won't get you happiness but you can pull up right next to it.

The Incredibles! Just for you, @timherdklotz

I move that the third #debate be replaced with both candidates competing on an episode of "Wipeout".

Goodbye sad minivan, hello cool car thanks to @driveclutch. Will not miss the "golden bullet" 🙂#driveclutch

Canned tomato selection at grocery store makes my head explode. Chopped, peeled, roasted, paste, crushed... From now on only ketchup.

My hotel room is the Bermuda Triangle of wifi.