K.

Blake Shelton isn’t even the sexiest man at this Waffle House.

“So thug,” I whisper to myself as I slide my phone into the back waistband of my sweatpants.

Limitless is a movie where Bradley Cooper finds a drug that makes him so smart he spends the next 1 hour and 30 minutes doing the dumbest shit imaginable.

When I’m really in a hurry, I’ll just use whatever eyeshadow remnants are stuck to the lid of the palette. I call this mystery color “the spice melange.”

I was going to boycott Dean Cain, but I couldn’t find anything he’s in to stop watching. 💅🏻

I mean, I’d be more embarrassed somebody got a photo of me at a Coldplay concert.

If he wanted to say he beat Mike Tyson without ACTUALLY beating Mike Tyson, he should’ve just challenged him to a spelling bee. #TysonPaul #Fake

The cleverness of tiny details never disappoints @barkbox

My superhero name is Shitshow.

Are there dating apps people DO tell their spouses about?🤔

After having seen what Timothee Chalamet does with peaches, I don’t want to know what he does with chocolate. Hard pass on #wonka

Just heard some pop cover of Seven Nation Army in the grocery store. I do not know who is responsible for this hate crime, but they should be burned at the stake and their family line sterilized.

I realized I had the wrong number when this guy was looking back at me #WhileStaringIntoTheVoid

Runaway #MakeASongAboutYourDad

My clothes are black. My car is black. My dog is black. My tattoos are black. My heart is black. My coffee can have cream.

Just join in #WhatNotToDoAtAConcert

It’s probably chocolate #UnlessYouHaveKids