Lauren98 retweeted
My dog has accidentally learned a piece of logic that is slowly destroying my peace. A few months ago, he had an ear infection and hated the ear drops, so every time I finished giving them to him, I’d loudly say "ALL DONE!" and immediately hand him a piece of sharp cheddar cheese. He made the connection. "All done" = cheese. The problem is that I didn't realize how often I use the phrase "all done" in regular adult conversation. I ended a phone call with my bank the other day with "Okay, looks like we’re all done here, thank you," and hung up, only to look down and see my 70-pound golden retriever sitting at attention, shaking with anticipation, expecting dairy. Now I can’t finish folding laundry, I can’t finish vacuuming, I can’t wrap up a Zoom meeting without this dog teleporting into the room and staring into my soul with an intensity that implies I have signed a legally binding dairy contract. I owe this animal four pounds of cheddar by next Tuesday.
Lauren98 retweeted
My father once told me the secret to a happy marriage.
“Stay out of the kitchen. Let her handle the holidays.”
I was 19. He was in his recliner.
My mother was cooking for 14 people.
She’d been up since 5 AM.
He’d been up since the football pregame.
I didn’t think anything of it.
That’s just how it was.
Fast forward 20 years.
I’m in the recliner.
My wife is in the kitchen.
She’s been up since 5 AM.
I’ve been up since the pregame.
My daughter walks by and I see her watching.
Not the TV.
Her mother.
Then me.
Then her mother again.
That’s when it hit me:
She’s taking notes.
My father taught me that holidays were for men to rest and women to work.
He didn’t say it.
He showed it.
Every Thanksgiving.
Every Christmas.
Every Easter.
The recliner passed from him to me like an inheritance I never asked for.
This morning I woke up at 4 AM.
Not for content.
For the turkey.
My wife found me in the kitchen at 6.
She didn’t say anything.
She just stood there.
Then she cried.
Your kids are taking notes.
Not on what you say.
On where you sit.
The recliner is an inheritance.
Be the generation that stands up.
